Maiden’s Journey

Continuing with the theme from my last post, of starting to draft answers to the questions on the application form of the gender clinic, their next question is to describe  early memories relating to gender identity.  Ok, let’s give that one a try : ——  My earliest memories of wishing I was a girl rather than a boy were when I was eleven and had started puberty.     My body was going in one direction but I could see girls gong in a different direction and I longed to share their experiences rather than what I was.  I remember seeing girls and their developing body shapes and the things they were wearing (bras, swimsuits, skirts and leggings) and wondering how they felt and wanting to be them. This attraction to women combined with wanting to be her and experience what she is experiencing has persisted through my adult life.  As a teenager growing up in the eighties I had no idea that it was in any way possible for someone to change their body to their...

I am, I think, getting closer to starting hormone treatment and beginning medical transition.  The only realistic way of doing this in the UK is through a private clinic as the waiting list for the NHS (state funded healthcare) is so long for gender services that it is not even worth considering that route.  Even writing that I want to start hormone therapy fills me with excitement about who I could become!  I have done some research on where I could source what I need. Truth is I did so a couple of years ago and even then I knew deep down that I would one day be doing it. It felt inevitable as soon as I found it was possible.  There are a couple of options but I think I know which one I am likely to go with.  As part of their application process there is a series of questions to answer about who I am and what I want to achieve. They say it isn’t a gate keeper process, just for them to understand their clients. Nevertheless it does feel like something that I nee...

Regular readers (if there are any?!) may know that I began 2023 with a resolution that this was the year I would transition.  I had a plan formed in my head, worked out all the steps and set myself target dates for each with the aim of living full time by the beginning of July.  Well here I am in August, not out, not on hormones and no further forward in beginning transition.  In hindsight, I was wanting to rush through all the steps and aiming to do things before I was ready and so they felt too difficult and I stopped.  There was a period when I felt like giving up altogether but as any trans person will know, gender issues don’t simply go away because you want them to. It’s always there and very quickly comes back to the forefront of my mind.  My recent experiences of presenting as a woman in a public place, feeling euphoric trying on a new dress and presenting as Nicola to a friend who knows me as male were all very positive and have helped me to find confid...

I ended yesterday‘a post with a question: if I can find joy in just occasionally seeing myself as a woman, why would I want to upset my whole life and go through the emotional and physical pain of transitioning?  Is this a good question? Or is it just my protective brain once again trying to prevent me from taking a risky step? Could be both?  Assuming it is a valid question to ask myself, what are the arguments for not transitioning?  I have managed to live my life with my secret for decades and I am fine. When I do get to dress femme, I like it and it brings me happiness, and occasionally real joy. Real life is mundane and I am sure that dressing female all the time will not bring me perpetual joy and happiness, it will just be my normal. With suitable underwear and the right style of clothing, I can achieve the outward appearance of a female body shape and look pretty good (mainly thanks to the advantage of height relative to size). I don’t need hormones or surgery to ...

The past week or so has been very positive for me and I guess quite momentous.  I’ve been myself with a friend who knows me as male, been out confidently in public en femme and experienced real euphoria from wearing a new dress. These are all good things and each important in its way.  In doing these things, I have discovered that nothing is actually as scary in reality as I build it up to be in my head when I think about it beforehand. I don’t suppose I will ever learn from this and be able to take new steps without feeling apprehensive, but maybe I will occasionally remind myself to take a rational step back.  The more I have been visible presenting as a trans woman, the more confident I am becoming. And the more normal it feels. Every time I expect to experience some kind of radical transformation I seem to just find that it feels completely normal and I am no different because I already am me.  The one discovery that I have made though is how much of a girly girl...

Today was another significant milestone for me and a test that I felt I had to put myself through: dressing female and being Nicola with someone who knows me as a man.  I have tested myself by going out in public dressed female alone, which has been fine, but I have felt that even if people have clocked me and judged me negatively, what does it matter? They’re strangers who I don’t know, will never know and never see again. Their opinion, good or bad, is irrelevant. With a friend who knows me both as a man and to whom I’ve told my whole story, it is different. It matters to me if she sees me as a woman and not as a man who is kidding himself. I also feared not just that she might see me as ridiculous, but that I would feel ridiculous, like I would appear in front of her and suddenly realise that I was ridiculous and had tricked myself into believing something that could never be real just because of some stupid fantasy. I would suddenly discover I was just a man in a dress. This wa...

Today was a good day, in two ways.  I tried on a new dress and saw myself as I could be (and should be) in a way I haven’t felt before. I have never before felt so girly and pretty. I suppose this is the thing they call Gender Euphoria? It was euphoric anyway, I couldn’t stop smiling and wanted to dance and jump around.  The other good thing, though less euphoric was possibly the more important; I discovered that I could be visible in public wearing female clothing and feel comfortable with this. My hair isn’t long, I hadn’t done makeup and I’m sure wouldn’t pass, but I sort of did, or at least if not pass, I was not noticeable, and I could just get on with my day without having to worry. This is really important because whilst moments of euphoria are breathtaking when they occur, it is being able to live  as a woman day to day that will matter all of the time.  But I’ve jumped ahead and not explained how either of these things happened, so let me go back to the begi...