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28th August - more questions for the application

Continuing with the theme from my last post, of starting to draft answers to the questions on the application form of the gender clinic, their next question is to describe early memories relating to gender identity. 

Ok, let’s give that one a try:

—— 

My earliest memories of wishing I was a girl rather than a boy were when I was eleven and had started puberty.  My body was going in one direction but I could see girls gong in a different direction and I longed to share their experiences rather than what I was. 

I remember seeing girls and their developing body shapes and the things they were wearing (bras, swimsuits, skirts and leggings) and wondering how they felt and wanting to be them. This attraction to women combined with wanting to be her and experience what she is experiencing has persisted through my adult life. 

As a teenager growing up in the eighties I had no idea that it was in any way possible for someone to change their body to their preferred gender. It was pretty much unknown and certainly never discussed in any part of my world. I thought the only way that I could ever be like a girl was to wear a bra and a skirt sometimes. And other things too obviously, but those were the items I most associated with being a girl as opposed to being a boy. But I had to do so in secret as I was scared that if anyone found out I would be shamed and ostracised or seen as “gay” (which was very much a bad thing in the homophobic world of secondary education in the eighties). 

I once wore one of my mother’s bras under my school uniform to see how it felt to wear one all day like the girls did and I spent the whole day terrified that someone would see the outline under my jumper and that the bullies would strip my uniform off and leave me in the corridor in just a bra and knickers for the whole school to laugh at. 

So I hid my secret shameful desire to be a girl. It was only when I saw a TV documentary about a change of sex (I think that was the title actually) that I discovered that transition was a thing and was possible. Here was the thing that I dreamed of! Unfortunately the documentary was extremely downbeat and represented this trans woman as utterly miserable and an outcast from society and made to feel bad by a really mean gatekeeper who seemed determined to make transition as hard as possible for her. It wasn’t exactly encouraging to a young closeted trans girl. 

My teenage fantasy was to emigrate to the other side of the world where no one knew me and I could start a new life as a girl and the people there would know me only as a girl, and all the people in my life who would be ashamed of me for being trans would never know because they’d still be in the UK. 

Fear of discovery and being shamed by everyone and losing all my family and friends was the overriding fear and kept me in the closet and never exploring transitioning for decades. 

——

That’s probably a good answer, but it was pretty difficult to write. I suppose on the plus side, I can take some comfort in this always having been who I am, but the fear and shame part has held me back for so much of my life, and that’s sad. 

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