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9th August - being myself with a friend

Today was another significant milestone for me and a test that I felt I had to put myself through: dressing female and being Nicola with someone who knows me as a man. 

I have tested myself by going out in public dressed female alone, which has been fine, but I have felt that even if people have clocked me and judged me negatively, what does it matter? They’re strangers who I don’t know, will never know and never see again. Their opinion, good or bad, is irrelevant. With a friend who knows me both as a man and to whom I’ve told my whole story, it is different. It matters to me if she sees me as a woman and not as a man who is kidding himself. I also feared not just that she might see me as ridiculous, but that I would feel ridiculous, like I would appear in front of her and suddenly realise that I was ridiculous and had tricked myself into believing something that could never be real just because of some stupid fantasy. I would suddenly discover I was just a man in a dress. This was a really big deal. 

We had been trying to arrange a time to do this for a while and it had never worked out. Because I was so fearful about how I might feel, rearranging for a later date had come as a bit of a relief to me to be honest. 

I don’t think it was feeling ridiculous per se that I was scared of though. It was that this would prove that I was not really trans, and I think that is what I am afraid of. Truth is, I love being trans and long to be able to actually live my life that way, and the idea of discovering that I am not is really upsetting to me. That in itself probably tells me all I need to know.

So today it worked out for me to be able to spend an hour with my friend as myself.  

I can’t say I was completely without nerves, but having had such a good experience last week out in public, I was feeling very confident, and looking forward to being able to wear my new dress again.

I went to her house and we talked briefly and I felt a bit apprehensive. I then went upstairs to change and felt fine doing that.  Walking downstairs and being seen for the first time was surprisingly ok. I only realised that I was nervous when I picked up my drink and realised my hand was a bit shaky but that soon passed and very quickly we were just chatting.  It wasn’t at all awkward.  She didn’t think I was ridiculous and nor did I feel that way about myself. We were simply two women having a conversation and a cup of tea. 

What was new was how free I felt to be myself and talk, much more so than I do spending time together as a man. This is surely a positive sign  

At one point, she asked whether I prefer Nicola or Nicky.  I didn’t know! Although I have seen my name written many times, and use both interchangeably when emailing her, no one had ever called me Nicky in person before. I had heard myself addressed as Nicola when I got a bra fitting a couple of years ago, and once in a coffee shop. So I didn’t really know how I liked to be called, it’s one of those surprising things that I suppose trans people experience that others don’t, because they grow up with their names and don’t choose them. I think that I am a Nicky. Truth is, I am a girly girl and so it seems to suit me. Learning about who I am in this way is so amazing to me, I love it. 

What I thought was going to be a really big deal turned out to be something that felt completely natural and I felt very comfortable being myself with someone who knows me. I passed my test of myself, sure, but that misses the point really. Being myself with my friend was wonderful and normal and being me I felt free to be me, which was wonderful.  


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