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25th August - thinking about my gender

I am, I think, getting closer to starting hormone treatment and beginning medical transition. 
The only realistic way of doing this in the UK is through a private clinic as the waiting list for the NHS (state funded healthcare) is so long for gender services that it is not even worth considering that route. 
Even writing that I want to start hormone therapy fills me with excitement about who I could become! 
I have done some research on where I could source what I need. Truth is I did so a couple of years ago and even then I knew deep down that I would one day be doing it. It felt inevitable as soon as I found it was possible. 
There are a couple of options but I think I know which one I am likely to go with. 
As part of their application process there is a series of questions to answer about who I am and what I want to achieve. They say it isn’t a gate keeper process, just for them to understand their clients. Nevertheless it does feel like something that I need to answer well to be able to progress. 
The first question, without copying it directly, is essentially, what does your gender mean to you?
That’s quite broad and difficult to answer.  I think about it all the time, so my gender means everything to me? I have lived pretty well as a male and got on tolerably with my life, so my gender means nothing to me? Clearly that can’t be the case or I wouldn’t be here wanting to change it.
I have been out in public in a dress, I’ve even been for a bra fitting. Those are pretty unusual things for a man to do! So my gender does matter to me. 
And my gender is not male.  I don’t really connect with being male or masculine or being a man. I’ve never fitted in with the guys and don’t want to anyway. I feel like I’m far more in tune with women and how they think and feel, like that is who I really am inside.  My mind feels to me, far more female than male. I have always gravitated towards female friends and when a group accepts me as one of them, that brings me happiness. 
My male body doesn’t cause me much trauma day-to-day, but I feel no love for it because it doesn’t fit and I wish I was a woman. I mostly feel unattractive as a man and I have no interest at all in what I wear. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I went shopping for male clothes, and when I do have to, I do not enjoy it. Choosing women’s clothing however is a great pleasure and I love that kind of shopping. When I dress as female, and through shapewear and padded bra give myself the appearance of a feminine body I feel sexy and attractive and I love how I look. Similarly if I do makeup and my hair in a feminine style, I feel nice and attractive in a way I never normally feel. Seeing myself dressed and made up,I look like a woman and feel like a woman and that feels right. I feel more like me because I look like who I am inside. 
Although, like most transgender people, I have repeatedly been around the loop of whether I should suppress my feelings and carry on with my life as a man, or to take the risk and try to live my life as a woman, that is just fear and self-doubt related to my ability to go through with it. 
What I never ever doubt, because I know with certainty, is that I am female inside and wish I could be a woman in every way. I know that I am transgender and I genuinely love that I am, I wouldn’t ever wish to not be trans, it is who I am and I love being trans me.  
It’s I am not one for planning what I write, so it is interesting to me to discover what I think when I start writing and where it takes me. This has gone in a positive direction and has made me feel happy, so I think that tells me a lot. 
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