Today was a good day, in two ways.
I tried on a new dress and saw myself as I could be (and should be) in a way I haven’t felt before. I have never before felt so girly and pretty. I suppose this is the thing they call Gender Euphoria? It was euphoric anyway, I couldn’t stop smiling and wanted to dance and jump around.
The other good thing, though less euphoric was possibly the more important; I discovered that I could be visible in public wearing female clothing and feel comfortable with this. My hair isn’t long, I hadn’t done makeup and I’m sure wouldn’t pass, but I sort of did, or at least if not pass, I was not noticeable, and I could just get on with my day without having to worry. This is really important because whilst moments of euphoria are breathtaking when they occur, it is being able to live as a woman day to day that will matter all of the time.
But I’ve jumped ahead and not explained how either of these things happened, so let me go back to the beginning.
As I have previously mentioned in past blogs, I don’t have many opportunities to dress female and try the experience because I’m not out and doing so close to home feels too risky. I occasionally travel for work and this sometimes takes me past an out of town shopping mall that is just off the motorway and so an easy stop off. This is where I first tried on female clothing in store, and where I first ventured out into the public areas wearing a dress and trying to look like a woman. I have done that three times previously and all were fine, but naturally quite nerve wracking. It feels safe though, and I know that I can do this.
So today I packed a skirt, bodysuit, tights, ballerina shoes, clip-on earrings, lipstick and my padded bra that gives me the appearance of nicely proportionate breasts. Changing in the male toilets is not great, but I have done it before and just got on with it.
The first few minutes of stepping out in public is quite uncomfortable and I admit I walked along eyes down looking at my phone for a bit trying to be inconspicuous, or at least oblivious to any looks I might be getting by concentrating on the screen. This feeling soon passed (unlike me, ha!) and I could put my phone away and look around. As I have found on previous outings, most people simply don’t notice me or pay any attention. I don’t have feminine hair and apart from the lipstick, no makeup on, so even if tights, skirt and a tight top over my “breasts” might read as female, my face certainly doesn’t. I try to concentrate on taking small dainty steps rather than big manly strides, and to focus on my hips when I walk to add a bit more femininity to my gait. I make sure to stand with one leg in front, knee slightly bent and my weight on my back leg. I don’t know why women stand that way, but they do, so I must too. Whatever it is, or maybe some combination of all of these things, but I seem to be able to mostly blend in to the background. I don’t make it easy for myself either, I’m not wearing slightly feminine clothing or trying to hide, I am deliberately making it obvious what I am trying to do. My only partial concealment of my femme clothes is a fitted zip up jumper which is actually for men but goes with the skirt and I’m wearing mainly because it has pockets for my keys and phone. I only partly zip up and open the front so my chest isn’t hidden. If I’m going to test myself presenting femme in the real world, I can’t hide.
Being able to blend in allows me to mostly forget that I am out in public presenting as a woman and to just get on with being one. I go to a shop to look for a summery skirt and top but they are having a sale and the shop floor is so disorganised as a result that it is hard to find anything. I try another and they have a nice white top in broderie anglaise which is a decorative style I do really like, so that’s an option, but still nothing on the skirt front. By the third shop (incidentally the first place I ever tried on a dress in store) I was relaxed and comfortable browsing the rails. They also had some nice broderie tops in white and pale blue so maybe that’s a popular thing this season. Didn’t like any of the skirt styles though. Finally I went to the big shop at the end of the mall (the place I got fitted for the bra I am wearing today). I’m relaxed now and can fully concentrate on the displays without feeling self conscious or anxious. I’m comfortable out as a woman and I’m starting to get the feeling that I actually could do this full time. I could cope with this being me every day out in the world. I could live as a woman (or perhaps more realistically as a non-passing trans woman but even so, I could do this!).
I happen upon a dress that I like the look of. A short skater style in a stretch jersey fabric in black and white with a little flower pattern. I am a bit between dress sizes, and either a 12 or 14 depending on style and whether the fabric is stretchy or not, so I took both to go and try on. This has two benefits, firstly I get the right sized dress, but secondly and more importantly, it necessitates interacting with the staff at the fitting rooms, and putting myself out there for judgement as a "man" going to the women's fitting rooms. It was completely fine, and if they noticed that I was male, they didn't show any signs of it, even when I spoke. I tried on the smaller size first, because I'm nothing if not optimistic, and it was...just perfect. Even writing about this after the event, thinking about the moment I put it on and saw myself in the mirror is making my heart go all fluttery. Going in wearing my existing outfit, I looked fairly good, but I could still see my male face and hair when I looked in the mirror. Putting on this dress, I just saw me. Me as I really am, or who I could be. I was girly, totally girly, and suddenly pretty too. I've never felt good-looking as a male, and although with some of my clothes and underwear I can create the illusion of a reasonable figure and I have felt sexy as a woman, I have always been acutely aware of my face and hair ruining the effect, so I've not truly felt feminine and never pretty. Now I could see a girl looking back at me and I was pretty and it was joyous! I was smiling and so excited, I wanted to dance and skip around and tell the world.
Truly one of the happiest moments of my life!
I changed back and went to pay, full of confidence. I took my jacket off so my tight top and (padded) chest were obvious and walked happily about, I had nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I am a woman, and I had just "met" that woman in a really profound way. Queuing to pay with other women, speaking to the cashier, all felt natural now, and I felt comfortable and confident.
This brief event has been something of an epiphany. The "girl inside" isn't a fantasy, I'm real and I want to be me always. Transitioning now suddenly feels essential, not a notion, but something I have to do. That was the second thing that came into my head after "I'm so girly and pretty" was "I have got to transition and live this life".
Less dramatic and lower key, but of equal significance, this fourth real-life experience has also shown me that I could do it. I could live this life and be me in the world.
These are life-changing thoughts!
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