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14th August - learning about myself

The past week or so has been very positive for me and I guess quite momentous. 
I’ve been myself with a friend who knows me as male, been out confidently in public en femme and experienced real euphoria from wearing a new dress. These are all good things and each important in its way. 
In doing these things, I have discovered that nothing is actually as scary in reality as I build it up to be in my head when I think about it beforehand. I don’t suppose I will ever learn from this and be able to take new steps without feeling apprehensive, but maybe I will occasionally remind myself to take a rational step back. 
The more I have been visible presenting as a trans woman, the more confident I am becoming. And the more normal it feels. Every time I expect to experience some kind of radical transformation I seem to just find that it feels completely normal and I am no different because I already am me. 
The one discovery that I have made though is how much of a girly girl I am. Maybe discovery is the wrong word, as I already knew that I was girly - I’m girly as a male after all. What was new was how being very feminine and girly made me feel total joy. I have a variety of skirts and dresses so have seen myself looking female before, but to wear this small light floaty dress felt like unlocking a new level, or something like that. It was a revelation of the real me and I don’t even have words for how that felt. It was some combination of pretty, girly, feminine, vulnerable but in a good way, complete, authentic, and truly me. If that makes any sense at all? 
The obvious reaction to all these positive feelings is that I absolutely have to transition.  And that was indeed my first thought. I need to be able to live as this person forever. 
Sigh. If only it were so easy and my brain would have stopped there. Why do I need to transition at all?  I felt gender euphoria from looking pretty even whilst still fully male. I don’t have female hormones and have never developed breasts, I was just wearing a padded bra and loved my shape. Why do I need hormones then?  My male parts were tucked away and invisible in my outfit, so why would I need to go and get surgery?  If I can have the moments of true joy, without destroying every aspect of my life, taking lifetime medication to change my hormone profile and undergoing surgery, why would I not leave it at that and avoid all of that pain? 
It’s a good question. 

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