3 Jan 25 - first email to endocrinologist

Although I suspect it is a lost cause, I do want to try to persuade my wife that I can transition without it necessarily meaning the end of our relationship. 

I was thinking about this as I was walking along the beach yesterday. I suppose my plan is to do things gradually and hope that each little step can receive acceptance, albeit reluctantly, and that she will get used to it and eventually realise that it isn’t that bad and doesn’t adversely affect her. But that doesn’t feel quite right to me because that implies that everything I will do in my transition is a negative thing that has to be carefully introduced and at best tolerated. I know I’m an overly optimistic person, but it shouldn’t feel like everything is negative. Transitioning is amazing, it is literally changing the gender of your body and that’s incredible. It’s a massive adventure into the unknown and new experiences and changes and it would be wonderful to be part of that and share it with someone. I don’t for a minute imagine that my wife will see it that way, but if I can present it as something joyful, maybe there could be hope. She could help me choose clothes, do hair and nails and makeup together, teach me how to behave and walk and act female. It could be lovely. It probably won’t, but I can dream and hope for the best. 

The weather has turned extremely cold so I slept in one of my nightdresses last night. Only the short sleeveless one was easily accessible. I’ve got the longer one out for tonight and that has short sleeves to keep my shoulders warm. Today I have put on one of my women’s vests under my clothes for added warmth and it is doing the job. Although it has thin straps and a bit of lace trim, so is very obviously feminine, this doesn’t show through the rugby shirt I’m wearing so should be fine. 

It would be so much easier for me if I could be open about things like my underwear. Would make laundry a lot easier for a start. I have got a short window of opportunity today to put my knickers through a quick wash. I will then have three weeks of clean pairs so I can continue with wearing female underwear everyday. By then, our son will be back at university and maybe I can have talked to my wife and be able to include them in the normal laundry openly. 

Whilst the laundry was going, I have sent an email to the endocrinologist enquiring about a consultation for feminising hormone therapy. I’m amazed how calm I feel about doing this and that I’m not hesitant at all. I just wrote the email and sent it. 

I’m still slightly surprised by how relaxed and matter of fact I felt when I emailed the endocrinologist. I used to scared to even Google feminising hormone therapy in case anyone found out my secret, but now I just write to them saying I want to start this and pursue medical and social transition, like it’s not a big deal at all. I’m interpreting my calmness to mean certainty. I know for sure this is what I want so I have no hesitation in doing it. Could it also mean that I am in denial about the seriousness of what I’m starting and the implications? It could, but I am not unaware of this. I spend a great deal of time thinking about the consequences and how I will live in the world but having spent so long getting to this point I feel like I care less about the negative consequences and am more able to see the potential joy. It’s like for the first time ever, joy has grown to outweigh fear and the balance has tipped in favour. And maybe fear has diminished too and that is what tipped the balance. Either way, it’s nice to feel optimistic and certain that I am going forward with my transition