Having a night on my own in London, I wanted to go out presenting female and get some more “real life experience”.
I had drinks and dinner with some colleagues early evening and to be honest had already had too much wine before I went out later by myself. This probably helped my confidence, although not my coordination with nail polish and mascara, which were a bit slapdash to say the least.
I remember last year getting in a lift in the hotel in a dress ready to go out, and being self conscious of people staring at me. This time, didn’t give it a thought. Likewise going into the underground and being on the train with other people. I didn’t notice if anyone looked at me and nor did I care. I was just me being me and wearing a skirt didn’t feel like a Thing, I wasn’t conscious of my clothes at all.
Similarly walking through a busy Soho to the bar, I just felt like I normally do walking around town.
Got to She Soho. Amazingly the bouncer asked me for ID. I’m 51, and I definitely do not look under 18! There were a couple of other people who were also asked and didn’t have ID but were in their thirties so they let us all in. Pointless asking any of us then.
Walking down the stairs, they introduced themselves as Frankie, Elliott and Kelly and we started talking. Given that it is a women-only lesbian bar, it was a surprise that the man was there, but no one seemed to mind. And anyway, who am I to judge.
We went to the bar and he got a round in. I asked for a Czech lager which they have on tap. He asks if I wanted a pint and I said “I’m a girl!!” So he got me a half. Already this is a whole new world for me. I have been here before but never spoken to anyone. Now I’m having drinks with a little group of queer folk.
I asked Frankie if they were siblings. She laughed and said he was her husband. I said I come from the countryside so that’s not unheard of. Cliche, but they thought it was funny.
They invited me to join them, seemed surprised that I was out alone and before I had even started the beer, Kelly brings a round of tequila for us all.
They were all interested in me and I was open about being closeted and rarely doing this and my wife not understanding it and having to mostly face this alone.
They all kept telling me I was pretty, which I liked, and that they loved my outfit, looked like a corporate receptionist in a financial company. I laughed and said that I do work in a financial company so they’re not far off.
At one point the girls went to the loo together and left me with the husband who did keep asking me stuff, complimenting me and flirting a bit. Now this is completely uncharted territory for me. I’m not in any way attracted to men and I think in normal circumstances would run away. I still wasn’t attracted but it did feel different being talked to and treated as a woman and not as two men chatting while the girls were away. A little bit scary because I didn’t know what he might try and do (thankfully nothing) but somehow I felt I was being in the role as a woman in a way I’ve not felt before.
Kelly has a trans friend who she thought might be in a gay bar nearby, so she said she would introduce me and we all went out to go there.
This is also uncharted territory for me. I’m comfortable in She because there are no men (usually!) but I had never been to an actual gay bar. I could have made my excuses and gone back to the hotel but I had got this far and was “in for a penny” so went with it. Frankie called her kids on the way. It was strange, given the context of how I had met these people to hear her talk about her and her husband as “mummy and daddy”. We all have different sides to our lives that don’t cross over I guess.
The Admiral Duncan is very lively. Packed, loud and friendly. A drag singer hosting on stage and disco tunes playing. There was a fun singalong to “It’s raining men” which we joined in. I got a round of drinks and then Kelly appeared with more tequila.
Her trans friend wasn’t around but her gay colleague Dan was, so we were introduced.
Nothing inappropriate happened with anyone but there was a lot of touching, hand holding, hugging and affectionate behaviour. At one point, Elliot had his arm around me stroking my back (now that is really uncharted territory for me and not something I was comfortable with) and Frankie was holding both my hands and kissing my cheeks and saying I was pretty and lovely. It was kindness and friendly, not sexy, at least I didn’t view it like that. I didn’t actively do anything that I felt was wrong, but I know that my wife would see it differently.
At some point Frankie and Elliott disappeared and I was chatting with Kelly who isn’t gay either. Strange to meet a bunch of people in queer spaces and none of them are gay but she said it’s where she feels more comfortable. Apparently she would like to not be into men, because their horrid, but she (in her strong Liverpool accent) “just love cock” and even though she knows it’s wrong “wants to be treated like shit by bad men”. “Why?!” I asked, because I don’t get that at all. She said she doesn’t know, knows it is bad but can’t help herself.
At some point she disappeared too and it was getting late so I decided to go back to the hotel.
Walking back to the tube, waiting to cross the road there was a woman carrying a bunch of flowers. She smiled, I said her flowers were nice, she said I was pretty. This was already a conversation that I could never have had as a man out alone at night. We chatted all the way back to the underground, I complemented her shoes (M&S apparently, I bemoaned that they don’t do size 11). Her name was Katie, she said Nicola suited me. We wanted different platforms in the station, wished each other a safe journey and said goodnight. Is that what women do?
I met some amazing people who were all lovely to me. My feelings at the time were of how open and welcoming and accepting the queer community was. I was given kindness and many people told me I was pretty. In retrospect I am questioning whether it was kindness or pity. When people said I was pretty, did they mean that I looked ridiculous but at least I was trying so they were being kind to make me feel better? Maybe I’m being overly negative, but it is hard to see myself as pretty.
I know alcohol played a part in me feeling relaxed, but there was something different about me this time.
I was not conscious of “presenting female” I was just being female and other people were treating me as a woman and that felt nice. It was like for the first time I was really inhabiting my life as a woman.
Or maybe I should say as a trans woman. I was obviously not passing and maybe people were being kind to me because of that but either way, I didn’t feel like a man wearing women’s clothing, I felt like a trans woman and that was good.
Reflecting on this night, I realise that I made some not very smart choices. I went somewhere I didn’t know with a group of people I didn’t know and took drinks from them that I hadn’t seen poured. I was fortunate that they were genuinely kind people and I didn’t get spiked and who knows what might have happened to me. I guess that is part of learning to be a woman in the world.
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