18 May 24 - out en femme again

I don’t believe in fate but…

Having been away for an overnight in South Wales I would be passing Bristol on the way back which presents an opportunity to stop at The Mall at Cribbs Causeway where I feel comfortable going out dressed female and doing a little clothes shopping. 

I packed the outfit ready. 

However I had forgotten there is a link road between the M4 and M5 that skips Bristol and joins two junctions south of Cribbs. To go there therefore, I would have to actually go out of my way. So although I felt that I wanted to go out in public again and gain some more experience, it felt like it wasn’t going to happen this time. When this happens I feel a mix of relief and disappointment.  Relief because testing myself and being visible is a little bit daunting, but disappointing because I feel I’m missing out on an experience.

So I don’t believe in fate, but the matrix signs were showing that the M49 was delayed by an accident and recommended diverting via M4 which joins the M5 just before the Cribbs junction.  And there was lots of traffic so taking a little stop off seemed a logical thing to do. I admit that my heart beat a little faster and I felt a little nervous, having just reconciled myself to not doing it, I then had to get back up for it again.  

Having been there a few times now, I know there is a disabled loo near one of the entrances that seems to never be used and I can quickly change in there and emerge onto the concourse without having to go into a gendered toilet dressed male and come out female, which is not ideal in either for obvious reasons.  

I put on the skinny jeans and bodysuit, lipstick and a little powder to disguise facial hair shadow and went forth. 

I don’t know whether it is because I’ve done this a few times now, or because I was feeling good after the great selfies from the night before, but I felt immediately relaxed and confident. Mostly no one appeared to be clocking me and when I did notice a second glance a few times, I just didn’t care. 

I know I don’t pass, I’m obviously male, but it is interesting how a few little cues: the silhouette of the skinny jeans, low neckline showing bare skin, soft longer hair, coloured lips, are just enough for most people to see a woman at first glance. I know this is a brain thing and it does take cues and extrapolates from these to quickly make sense of surroundings.  Legs, chest, long hair = woman. Details like height, face shape, facial hair shadow, gait, waist and figure, only get filled in if someone looks at you for longer. 

Feeling relaxed I can just walk around the Mall, and go into shops and browse women’s clothing comfortably. I feel much less conspicuous looking at dresses when I’m apparently female than I do if I go shopping wearing my normal male clothes. That is odd because it implies that I fear being judged as a man interested in women’s clothing, but when I’m actually a man wearing women’s clothing I don’t feel that, because I, superficially at least, appear to belong in that space. It is both sort of logical and counterintuitive at the same time. 

I went to New Look first. I was looking for a summer skirt and I would like another white bodysuit but with long sleeves. Being summer, they are all sleeveless and that isn’t a look that is good for me. I didn’t see any skirts that grabbed me either. I then tried H&M for skirts but again nothing I really liked although I didn’t really start with a clear idea of what I wanted so maybe that was why. There was a long white broderie skirt, which I expect would feel lovely on, and I do really like broderie anglaise, but I don’t know that I could carry off a white skirt.  Maybe. Perhaps I should have tried it on.  

Then I finished in M&S. They have practically no skirts and nothing inspired me at all really until I remembered I was going to get a nightdress. There was a pink strappy one I had seen online, but the fabric would be too warm for summer sleeping and I don’t like being hot in bed. There was a lovely soft green floral nightdress or a white one with broderie anglaise decoration so I opted for that, because like I said, I do love a bit of broderie!  I did then suddenly want to get another first bra, but I initially couldn’t find the right racks and when I did they were behind some restocking stuff (as in stock to be put on  racks, not stockings!) and it was difficult to get to them so I just went to pay. By this point I had quite settled into believing I was a woman and passing as one, so it was only when I had to speak that I suddenly realised I would be perceived as male at that point. It was only momentary though and didn’t dent my confidence but I definitely do need to learn to do the voice work. 

I make myself do these things to test myself I suppose. It’s partly the old “am I trans enough” anxiety and proving to myself that I feel right when I present female. It’s also in some sense preparation and giving me reassurance that if I did try to live full time as a woman and have to go out and be visible all the time, that I could cope with that. It’s also preparatory for meeting with a gender specialist and being able to say that I have had some “real life experience” of presenting female.  

I passed my tests, as I have before. 

But this time did feel better.  I felt relaxed and confident and I felt like I was a woman, rather than feeling like a man worrying about being caught out. Because I settled into it and felt like I was passing and just being a woman shopping, I actually did feel female and forgot myself and I was happy. I loved it.