Skip to main content

Why is buying shoes so scary?

I have done something which scared me. 

I know this is going to sound trivial and immensely silly, but the scary thing that I did was to order a pair of shoes. 

Terrifying, I’m sure you’ll not agree. 

Why am I afraid of shoes?

Good question! 
I have over the years bought dresses and skirts and lingerie. I’ve even, in more confident moments, tried them on in store, which is clearly far more scary than ordering some shoes online. 
Certainly when I first bought female clothing that was pretty nerve wracking and I worried that the shop staff would judge me but I got over that fear and am now quite relaxed shopping for myself. 

So much so, I even got an in-person bra fitting at a lingerie shop, which was an enormous leap into the unknown. 
Why do shoes feel different?

Shoes are for the outside world

Of course I’m not literally afraid of shoes (which is called papoutsiphobia if you were wondering). The issue here is what buying shoes means. 
Shoes are for outdoors, not in. 
I have underwear and dresses and skirts and nice tops which are all fine, and I wear them around the house when I’m alone. I could go out in them, but I don’t have to. 
I don’t wear shoes around the house. I only put them on to go out. 
Purchasing shoes is for the purpose of going out and about dressed. It reveals intent to take that step (if you’ll forgive the pun). Having them will remove one of my (admittedly feeble) excuses that I can’t go out because my footwear is obviously male. Not once I pick up my very feminine ‘ballerinas’ from the parcel depot, that excuse is gone. 

Difficult to buy

Actually buying ladies shoes in my size is not easy. I’m UK11/EU45 which is well beyond the ranges of all the major brands here. There’s really only one mainstream  retailer that carries these larger sizes and they’re online only now, so there isn’t an opportunity to try them on first. 
Ironically, although my size is a problem for ladies shoes, I have unusually narrow feet which makes it difficult to find mens shoes to fit, but is now advantageous with ladies fittings. 
My other problem is my height. I’m tall for a male and far taller than the average female. Whilst heels would be beneficial to feminising my posture and leg shape, the last thing I need is to make myself even taller. 
So I’ve settled on some flats, in the ballerina style because they are really feminine and nothing like my male shoes. 
Even having overcome the practical challenges, I still found it difficult to go through with the purchase. I have genuinely had them in my online basket ready to checkout at least six times over a period of months but have never dared to click buy until now. 
I know that just having them doesn’t mean that I have to go out in them, but I would have the potential to do so. 
Going out (which I have only ever done once before) means being me to the outside world, it means being vulnerable to however that world reacts to me, which is outside of my control. 
It means more than that though. Purchasing clothing and footwear is preparatory to going out and being seen. Going out and being seen is preparatory to being a woman in the world and being out as a woman is preparatory to transitioning. 
There’s a lot of meaning in just a little pair of shoes. 



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more

27 May 26 - does my brain actually have a “girl mode”?

As I keep reflecting on my night out as Nicola last week there are a lot of questions and ideas that are swirling around in my head.  One is, whether my brain has a “girl mode”, because I felt so different and behaved in ways that were unfamiliar to me.  The really distinct difference in how I felt this time was that I didn’t feel like I was a man in a dress at all, I just felt like me. I remember thinking that this is what it is like to be “inhabiting womanhood”. Evidently I have ridiculously pretentious notions after a few drinks, but it was what I was feeling. This is what it is like to actually be a woman. Less pretentious.  An odd thing, but one which does make me wonder if my brain has some kind of “switch”, is that I looked at women differently. I am exclusively attracted to women and I am attracted to boobs and bums as much as the next man (cringe at associating with being a man). I know it is impolite to stare at a woman’s chest, and I make a conscious effort no...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 May 2026 - a night out

Having a night on my own in London, I wanted to go out presenting female and get some more “real life experience”.  I had drinks and dinner with some colleagues early evening and to be honest had already had too much wine before I went out later by myself. This probably helped my confidence, although not my coordination with nail polish and mascara, which were a bit slapdash to say the least.  I remember last year getting in a lift in the hotel in a dress ready to go out, and being self conscious of people staring at me. This time, didn’t give it a thought. Likewise going into the underground and being on the train with other people. I didn’t notice if anyone looked at me and nor did I care. I was just me being me and wearing a skirt didn’t feel like a Thing, I wasn’t conscious of my clothes at all.  Similarly walking through a busy Soho to the bar, I just felt like I normally do walking around town.  Got to She Soho. Amazingly the bouncer asked me for ID. I’m 51...
Post a Comment
Read more