Why is buying shoes so scary?

I have done something which scared me. 

I know this is going to sound trivial and immensely silly, but the scary thing that I did was to order a pair of shoes. 

Terrifying, I’m sure you’ll not agree. 

Why am I afraid of shoes?

Good question! 
I have over the years bought dresses and skirts and lingerie. I’ve even, in more confident moments, tried them on in store, which is clearly far more scary than ordering some shoes online. 
Certainly when I first bought female clothing that was pretty nerve wracking and I worried that the shop staff would judge me but I got over that fear and am now quite relaxed shopping for myself. 

So much so, I even got an in-person bra fitting at a lingerie shop, which was an enormous leap into the unknown. 

Why do shoes feel different?

Shoes are for the outside world

Of course I’m not literally afraid of shoes (which is called papoutsiphobia if you were wondering). The issue here is what buying shoes means. 

Shoes are for outdoors, not in. 

I have underwear and dresses and skirts and nice tops which are all fine, and I wear them around the house when I’m alone. I could go out in them, but I don’t have to. 

I don’t wear shoes around the house. I only put them on to go out. 

Purchasing shoes is for the purpose of going out and about dressed. It reveals intent to take that step (if you’ll forgive the pun). Having them will remove one of my (admittedly feeble) excuses that I can’t go out because my footwear is obviously male. Not once I pick up my very feminine ‘ballerinas’ from the parcel depot, that excuse is gone. 

Difficult to buy

Actually buying ladies shoes in my size is not easy. I’m UK11/EU45 which is well beyond the ranges of all the major brands here. There’s really only one mainstream  retailer that carries these larger sizes and they’re online only now, so there isn’t an opportunity to try them on first. 

Ironically, although my size is a problem for ladies shoes, I have unusually narrow feet which makes it difficult to find mens shoes to fit, but is now advantageous with ladies fittings. 

My other problem is my height. I’m tall for a male and far taller than the average female. Whilst heels would be beneficial to feminising my posture and leg shape, the last thing I need is to make myself even taller. 

So I’ve settled on some flats, in the ballerina style because they are really feminine and nothing like my male shoes. 

Even having overcome the practical challenges, I still found it difficult to go through with the purchase. I have genuinely had them in my online basket ready to checkout at least six times over a period of months but have never dared to click buy until now. 

I know that just having them doesn’t mean that I have to go out in them, but I would have the potential to do so. 

Going out (which I have only ever done once before) means being me to the outside world, it means being vulnerable to however that world reacts to me, which is outside of my control. 

It means more than that though. Purchasing clothing and footwear is preparatory to going out and being seen. Going out and being seen is preparatory to being a woman in the world and being out as a woman is preparatory to transitioning. 

There’s a lot of meaning in just a little pair of shoes.