Certainty and doubt

Or maybe I should say doubt and certainty, because doubt is the dominant feeling, or at least it is this week.  

I’m sure it’s the same for many of us who are stuck in that in between stage of knowing that we’re trans but not knowing how or if to move forward with that. Some days it feels like I should just go for it, what’s the worst that can happen?  And other days, the whole idea feels preposterous and a stupid fantasy that I should keep to myself. 

Today, I’m feeling the latter. How can I ever be a woman? It’s an impossible dream so forget it.  

But I can’t just forget it, can I? 

Because it is my biggest, most important and longest standing dream.  The idea of giving it up makes me sad. 

I think I’m feeling the sadness more intently today because only a week or so ago, the dream was feeling so real and possible, I felt that I really could do it. The feeling that I could and being able to envisage how and when, this made me happy. 

Sitting here writing this, I can see that these feelings are telling me something pretty obvious that I should probably listen to and act upon. Maybe for all my overthinking and introspection and doubt and sharing my feelings with my ally friend, the answer is actually really simple and staring me in the face. Thoughts of transitioning make me feel happy, thoughts that I can’t make me feel sad.  

Oh, but it can’t be that simple can it?

Why did I feel positive and ready last week (and I really did feel ready for the first time) but this week, I feel uncertain again and the impossibility of it all? 

Nothing has happened, nothing has changed, so why do I feel differently?

I couldn’t say for certain but I think it’s to do with the information that I allow in and my thinking on it. 

Last week, I had been watching a number of videos from a really positive trans YouTuber, tried some of her meditations for trans people and off the back of that, wrote my post about what it would mean to me to be a woman. This had been the first time that I had been able to really pin down my feelings on who I would become and what being a woman really means beyond the physical changes and obvious things like clothing.

Maybe I made a mistake in going back to social media this week. All I’ve seen are stories about sports banning trans women, trans healthcare for teens being stopped, other people who are stuck and one person whose wife had thrown her out when she discovered her transness. None of this directly affects me of course. My teens are long gone and I have never had any potential to be an athlete of any gender! But this sort of content all feeds my inner narrative and reinforces my fears and doubts. 

I worry that if I transition I will face discrimination and ridicule and abuse. The news stories confirm my fear that society in general is anti trans women.   

I feel stuck by my fears. Other people feel the same and say the same sort of things. My fears and doubts are validated then. 

I expect that my wife will not be supportive of me transitioning and coming out will end our marriage and break up our family. Exactly this has happened to someone I know. Fear reinforced. 

I also know that our brains are designed to protect us from getting into danger and so overweight negative information around risks. Downside uncertainty feels much worse the upside uncertainty feels positive. 

What am I concluding here? That I should avoid any negative information and inputs, only listen to positive stories about transitioning and just ignore the risks? That doesn’t feel very sensible. But I think I do need to try to have a balance and not focus only on negatives. 

And I need to remember to trust my instincts. The idea of transitioning makes me happy, the thought of never doing it and it being my biggest regret later in life makes me feel sad. That’s really the main thing that I need to know.