What does it mean to be a woman?

Now there is a difficult question!

It’s something that I’ve asked myself before and not really got an answer to but which came up again in my research and learning about transitioning. 

I have been watching YouTube videos by a trans woman (Ashley Adamson) who posts a lot of advice and meditations for trans people. Her outlook is so positive and this has been really helpful for me to help overcome my feelings of fear and constantly dwelling on worst case scenarios. Maybe that’s a subject for another day. 

What I want to explore now is something she said that struck a chord with me: You can put on a dress and do your makeup but that doesn’t make you a woman - you need to also find and embrace your femininity and learn what it is to be a woman inside. I’m paraphrasing and probably getting it wrong, but that’s the message I took from it. I need to find my way to be a woman. 

Hence the title here. What does it mean to be a woman?  How do I do that?  Obviously it’s about more than the external appearance, but what is it? 

I have tried and failed to define this for myself. It’s simplistic to think that being feminine is just the opposite of being masculine. This does not give any kind of satisfactory answer and defining anything on the basis of what it is not doesn’t ever get to the bottom of it. 

Asking a friend 

So I asked a friend and she described it thus: 

being a woman can mean constantly walking a tightrope. I'm expected to be assertive but not aggressive; emotional but not to the point of being irrational; independent but not to the point of seeming to need no-one; intelligent but not in an arrogant way; have opinions but not controversial ones; be beautiful but not dress for other people; be sexual but without being a slut; want to be a wife and mother but also be my own person and self-sufficient. It can be a balancing act.

It’s interesting and says much about our society that she talks so much about expectations imposed on women, and pretty unrealistic ones at that. There’s quite a lot of implied opposite-of-masculine in there too. But more than anything, it feels like describing a pretty negative experience. Being a woman surely can’t just mean conforming to some expected behaviour pattern?

She also asked me a question: why would my female gender role be any different as Nicola to who I am as a male, because I am still the same person inside with the same knowledge and experience? 

It is really easy to lose sight of the obvious things when going around in circles in your head, but the whole reason I feel trans and want to transition is because I feel that I am female inside. I don’t need to learn how to be a woman if I transition - I need to transition because I am a woman already and always have been. 

I must already innately know what it means to be a woman then because I know I am one? 

Innate knowledge 

Erm…ok, how do I get a grip on innate knowledge then? 

Through how it manifests I suppose. 

I find it both easier and more rewarding to form close friendships with females than males and women can sense that I am different (usually they assume that I might be secretly gay I think)

Similarly I am comfortable and fit in with groups of women and am interested in and relate to their conversations. I’m the opposite with male groups and do not fit in or relate at all. 

I really value emotional intelligence and understanding people, which I believe is a female strength that males generally lack. 

When reading or watching films / tv, it’s the female characters that I relate to and want to be like, not the male and I usually choose books with female protagonists. 

What will be different then?

When I attempted some of the meditations with the YouTube lady, what came into my head when she said that I should invite in my feminine energy?

Well the first time, to be honest, confusion. And thoughts that meditation is not for me and I don’t know how to do it!

But I had another go and got really relaxed and tried to embrace it. 

Although I don’t really meditate, I am a very visual person in my imagination, so it came to me as a picture. 

My feminine energy is a white dress with bold floral print, sleeveless, fitted bodice, flared skirt above the knee. 

Yes, in an exercise to understand my femininity beyond the clothes, my mind gave me a dress. A really lovely dress, but still…

Meditation fail?  

No, I don’t think so. 

Because what that dress shows me is something else. Bare arms and legs, I’m exposed and vulnerable. The shape and of the bodice shows my femininity but hides and forgives nothing. It’s beautiful but impractical and means depending on others to help me. And it puts me out there to be judged. 

This is what I think it means to me then to take the step from feeling female inside to being fully a woman. In one word, it’s probably: vulnerability. 

Vulnerability 

Does that sound right?

I think it probably does. 

But I don’t mean vulnerability in a purely negative sense. Women experience emotions differently to men, that’s why they cry more (and trans women starting hrt describe this happening to them) but women’s ability to empathise is their super power. It enables women to bond and form support networks and what some call ‘the sisterhood’, the vulnerability creates the need, and the female power makes it possible. 

It’s perhaps less easy to put a positive slant on physical vulnerability and this is a bit of a scary prospect. Although I do struggle with the expectation that as (ostensibly) a male, I should be strong and a protector and a doer. None of those things feel like me, and inside I really do wish someone would look after me instead.  

Have I found my answer then?

As you can probably tell by how I ramble on in an unstructured way, I don’t plan what I write or even know where I might end up. What you see here is my thought process and sometimes me making discoveries and coming to realisations as I go. 

Today I have worked some things out. Firstly, that mostly I don’t need to find out what it means to be a woman because I already am, that’s why I’m trans. Secondly, and probably a bigger thing, if (when!) I fully live as a woman, the change I am inviting into my life is to make myself vulnerable. It’s a price to pay to gain full access to my emotions and emotional intelligence, to belong as a woman and embrace the experience. It is a daunting thought, but I feel I am open to accepting this into my life.