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Gender questioning: in the beginning - the first dress

 The first time I wore a dress was a special feeling. 

At the time, I didn’t know that I was in any sense transgender or gender questioning. I was thirteen and didn’t even know such things existed. I was aware that when I looked at the girls in my class, part of my fantasy was to wonder what it felt like to wear their clothes, and especially their underwear and tights and skirts. 

My first opportunity to find out was slightly unexpected and from the source of my German teacher who wanted her class to stage a pantomime for Christmas. In German obviously. 

I was cast as one of the ugly sisters (oh how apt!) or to give me my German name, a hassliche schwester (apologies for the spelling, it’s been a while and there should probably be an umlaut in there somewhere.)

Our teacher kindly provided the costumes, and I was issued with a dress. It was a long strapless gown of gold satin, which my mum surmised has come from the teacher’s kids dressing up box as it had some elastic sewn in at the top to use as a halter neck and hold it up, and had a few splashes of poster paint on it. My mum washed it and sewed a couple of balled up sock into the chest so my ugly sister would have big fake boobs. 

I remember trying it on for the first time and how it felt, having a lot of fabric around my legs and then the bodice all over my body. The dress zipped up at the back. It was quite tight on me and when the zip was done up and I felt my body pulled in and the fabric tight all over, it was the best sensation! I loved it! 

Suffice to say, I tried the dress on a few times in secret before the play and I was very disappointed to have to hand it back in after the show. 

Although I have many of my own female clothes now, these are mostly casual and I don’t have a ball dress to wear. I am like Cinderella! Poor me. 

So at thirteen, I was dreaming of wearing my classmates bras and skirts; wearing a dress was the most wonderful feeling; I constantly fantasised about having breasts and getting periods. And I had no idea at all that I might be transgender! Really. The very idea just didn’t exist in my world. 

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