Maiden’s Journey

I went to the Mall at Cribbs Causeway again today on the way back from work meetings and went out en femme.  I wore the usual skirt and bodysuit combination with the heavily padded bra, but with a jumper over so lost some of the effect of that.  Usually I wear black opaque tights but today I tried pale cream tights which made my legs far more visible, or at least I felt that way. It was a little more vulnerable.  I tried a bit of makeup with foundation, mascara and lipstick. I’m not sure lipstick suits me. I think if anything it makes me more clockable as a man than when I don’t wear it.  Shopping itself was a fail as Next didn’t have the corduroy pinafore dress that I had seen online. Didn’t really see anything else in there that I did like either. Not in H&M, New Look nor M&S.  I did get some bum enhancing shorts which are a bit funny looking with the padded bottom but having now tried them under my skinny jeans, the effect is impressive.  Also, I...

I’m still feeling pretty spun out by this whole situation and not knowing how or when or even if I can start transitioning or whether I should give up on the whole thing or what. The state of that sentence says a lot about the state of my mind.  I haven’t done anything about trying to organise blood tests to be able to book the endocrinologist appointment and I don’t know when or if I’m going to at the moment.  Exchanged a few messages with one of my ally friends earlier this week and she was pushing me to go to therapy to help sort out my thinking. I’m a bit reticent about that although that is probably partly some preconceived ideas about what therapy is and who it’s for (by implication, not me).  Of course she could be right and maybe some external help is what I need. I did find talking to the gender clinic really helpful after all.  Speaking of therapy, we have been watching Shrinking on Apple TV which is a comedy about therapists. One of them was talking to a g...

They actually replied very quickly and I’m now a week on and haven’t done anything with it.  The tone of the correspondence has thrown me. It is really cold and all “if you do this, we’ll charge you. If you don’t do this, we’ll charge you. If you haven’t got this we’ll reject you, and still charge you”. Hardly warm and welcoming and a complete contrast to dealing with the gender clinic.  To book, you have to provide blood test results and so I’m right back to where I was this time two years ago when I contacted my GP and they refused to help.  This barrier has caused me to doubt the whole thing again.  Also, things are going really well at work and I can see a good future for male me. I struggle to see how I can pull that off whilst transitioning at the same time. What’s more important? Career and success or a female body?  I want both obviously but I fear they’ll be mutually exclusive.

The message I got over the weekend was from a kind of centralised clinic email, which then gave direct emails to three possible doctors.  I’ve sent essentially the same email as previously to the one recommended by my gender clinic and shall wait and see when I get a response.  There is no doubt in my mind when I do this, my only hesitation before sending was whether my email was good enough, but it is only an introduction so not that important.  —— Just had an auto reply saying they aim to respond in ten working days. It’s a good thing that transition isn’t an urgent medical condition!

Just over two weeks it has taken them to reply. I appreciate that my email was in the first week of January when a lot of people (me included) were still off work, but I was starting to think that they had missed my email altogether.  After all this waiting their response didn’t really say anything. We have three doctors. Their prices are £x and they’re currently taking bookings for months in the future.  The one that my gender clinic recommended is booking for May onwards. So at least another four months wait before I can even start the process.  That feels like a long time, and I certainly found the four months wait for the gender identity assessment pretty difficult at times, but it might not be a bad thing.  It gives me time to try to get my wife on board with my transitioning.  My major work project should be nearly done by then, so I won’t be worried about having to come out during the process and raise questions about my credibility. Which would be totall...

I saw my colleague today for the first time since coming out to her at the Christmas party. Fortunately there was no awkwardness or anything and she was normal. We spoke briefly in the kitchen about nothing much and that was it.  I’m obviously happy that it was normal, but also a bit disappointed that she didn’t speak to me about it in private at any point. Not that an opportunity may have presented itself but I would like to talk to her more.  Not appropriate in the workplace anyway. 

On the train to London now for the big work meeting tomorrow. At the station I was faced with the dilemma of slightly unpleasant public toilet and keeping my resolution to always be a girl. I thought I would have to be pragmatic and use the urinals but there was no one else there and the cubicles weren’t too gross so I went for it. I guess I’m proud of my dedication to the cause, because it really wouldn’t matter that much if I broke the resolution, which is probably a bit pointless anyway when I am still in a practical sense equipped for the use of male facilities. It means something to me I suppose.  I did think about bringing a skirt and trying to be brave and go out for dinner en femme in London. Wasn’t feeling quite that brave so I haven’t packed anything, although I could claim that is a practical consideration as I’m traveling light with only one bag and couldn’t fit the shoes in. But really it is a bit of fear. This doesn’t feel good as if my plan is to transition, then goi...

Disappointing that I haven’t yet had a reply from the endocrinologist as that is the key next step and I’m really keen to have a date and know that I’m working towards something. Will have to chase them this week.   I am still feeling determined that I am transitioning this year and I am positive and excited by the prospect more than scared. There are of course things I am fearful of but that isn’t dominating my thinking.  I have kept up the underwear and the sitting on the loo, even in the pub yesterday which has been a barrier previously, so that is now a full week since I last stood on 5 January at the football, and I am trying to keep this going for ever now.  Had some euphoria this week, mainly from my new nightdress which I think is really flattering and makes me look and feel feminine. There was one moment where I was taking it off and momentarily expected to see in the mirror a female body with breasts and everything. Shaving my body hair every day is really he...

Not that I am obsessed with my nightdress but looking at myself in the bathroom mirror this morning, when I took it off, I momentarily expected to see a woman’s body in the mirror. That is powerful gender euphoria.  Anyway enough about that.  One of my online trans friends emailed me yesterday saying:  “I’m feeling selfish lately.  Transitioning will blow up my wife’s life. Can I really do that?  Do I want/need it badly enough?  I have therapy soon and plan to make this a topic of discussion.” This is an interesting dilemma and she deserves a proper answer.  It’s something that I have thought about a lot myself. I am able to cope with not transitioning, and have done so for many years, so for the sake of others, I should not transition? To transition would be selfish, and being selfish is bad.  Now I have decided I’m going to transition anyway, so does that make me selfish and bad? Firstly, transitioning is in a sense, a selfish act by definition....