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15 Apr 25 - flowers and lost dreams

We had a nice day out at a flower festival. 

Something I am finding challenging now is being around a lot of women and girls. This place was crowded and flowers are more interesting to women than men generally so it did seem to be majority female. Seeing women now is making me sad. They have long hair that I don’t have, wear pretty clothes that I can’t wear, have voices that I can’t emulate and body shapes that I don’t have. They move differently and are natural among the flowers posing for photos with the blooms.  Everywhere I look there are reminders of what I am not. What I can’t be. What I can never have. And even if I did destroy every part of my life and go through all the pain of transition, I still wouldn’t be one of them. No one would be taking my picture crouched among the flowers because they thought me pretty. This could never happen. The most I could ever achieve is taking selfies alone whilst other people nudge their partners and point out the trans person. This is all just making me really sad. 

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