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27 Apr 25 - my trans feelings have not gone away. Obviously.

I’m wearing female underwear today for the first time in a month. 

I feel more myself. It’s just more right for me. 

I have also been using the loo seated again, which I do automatically when I am wearing female underwear. 

It isn’t like I’m super aware of the knickers all the time, but it does feel different and when I do notice it, it feels nice. 

Whether this is related to doing something a little bit feminine, or that I have just come out of a spell of depression, but I feel more optimistic today. 

There are scenarios that I can imagine where I get to be Nicola. For the past month I have felt without hope on that front, so it is nice to feel that there could possibly be ways to be me. 

Clearly my need to be a woman hasn’t gone away just because I have repressed it and taken no steps in that direction for the past month. Not that it was ever going to and I didn’t expect it to at all. 

One of the thoughts that troubled me whilst I was repressing my wishes, was: if not this, then what?  What alternative dream could I pursue? Where could I find happiness?  I couldn’t come up with anything. But then today I started to imagine ways to be me, and that did bring me positive feelings. Which I think tells me a lot. 

I think part of the reason I am feeling a bit more positive is that I have been able to imagine possible future scenarios where I could be Nicola. 

One stupid fantasy that I have is to go back to university and do a new degree in something different to my current career. Obviously I would do so as Nicola and go to university in my new identity. Maybe these days, with the greater information available to me, I might have done that if I were eighteen and starting university now. Or perhaps more likely I would not have had the courage. Who knows. I certainly didn’t have the information, courage or clarity and maturity of thinking when I was eighteen, but maybe lack of maturity makes it easier to take a chance. 

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