I had an overnight in London and so had the opportunity to go out presenting female to get some more experience. It went fine, but afterwards I’m feeling really down and this huge wave of dysphoria that I can never be the woman I want to be.
My last outing in London had been a success, and I had a really fun night, was treated as a soma by people I met and felt euphoric afterwards. That was a night out at a bar and lots of drinking. This time, my evening was already committed so I would be going out in the morning before work.
A year or so ago, I had gone to breakfast in the hotel wearing a dress and it had been an uncomfortable experience. I was conscious of people staring, some old man walked away from the queue rather than stand next to me, and a young woman and her boyfriend openly laughed at me in the lift.
I wanted to put that experience to bed so I did the breakfast again. After last time, I was nervous. Walking around town dressed I find most people don’t notice me, but in a restaurant setting, I’m observable for longer and then I stand out.
This time, it went well. The woman at the desk greeted me warmly, called me “sweety” and wished me a good day. Good start. The rest of the diners did not pay me any attention. There were two men at the next table engrossed in conversation about their company cars, never even looked my way. No staring. No laughing. I’ll take it as a win and put last year’s bad experience behind me.
I then went out of the hotel to walk through the busy station at peak time, full of people, and go to the supermarket there and pick up some food for lunch later. This also went fine. I wasn’t conscious of anyone looking at me or of any stares or comments. With self checkout I didn’t interact with anyone, so didn’t gain much from the experience, but at least I was doing something normal presenting female and I felt okay. I did think about going to the ladies toilets in the station, as this is a challenge I’ve never dared face before. I walked near, but there were two staff at the entrance, one male, and I didn’t fancy running that gauntlet. Maybe another time.
I only had an hour to be myself then it was a quick change and off to work. Did I learn anything new? Not really, but I did overcome a previous bad experience and proved to myself that I can face the world in different situations.
So why then did I feel so down afterwards? And so dysphoric?
I think it was comparing myself to other women. It being a warm day, a lot of women were out wearing summer clothes and looking feminine. Cisgender women have smaller frames, waists, hips, delicate shoulders, non-hairy arms and backs! All things I am not. And I think this is what hit me. I have this vision in my head of the woman I long to be and she doesn’t look like my body, she is more like the women I’m attracted to. I know this isn’t realistic but then I am hit with this wave of dysphoria and thoughts of “if I can’t be the woman I dream of then why go through the hardships at all?” Is it worse because I have just been out and seen the reality of how I look? Is it worse because I just saw lots of women the same day enjoying their “hot girl summer” and that overwhelmed my self-image?
I worry that maybe I have this idealised image of femininity and womanhood and that is what I aspire to, but it’s not real.
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