Although it was good to have been able to go out and be fully visible as Nicola, it didn’t really achieve anything.
I’m not sure what I expected to achieve to be honest, but whatever it was, it didn’t.
Maybe I was hoping to be able to make a connection with someone, ideally another trans woman and to hear about her experience of transition, but there was no trans woman there. Alternatively, speaking with a cis woman about her experiences and learning from her about how I can better present as female. Unfortunately, being too shy to speak to anyone, this didn’t happen. Not just shyness though, I also felt unworthy to speak to anyone as “not a real woman”, why would anyone want to talk to a “man”, presumably having gone to a women-only bar to avoid just that.
What would I have done if a lesbian had shown any interest anyway? I don’t have any desire to cheat on my wife so I’m not up for anything. Even if I were, it isn’t as though I could, because underneath all the shapewear, I have a male body. I don’t want to be doing anything as a man, even if someone wanted that. The last thing I want is anyone seeing what I’m trying to hide in my knickers, squished down with shapewear.
All of which is academic anyway because no-one wants to be with me in that way and never will.
As a man, women aren’t attracted to me. As a man in a dress, women don’t even want to talk to me, they certainly won’t want to have any kind of sex with me. Would that change if I transitioned? I know hormones are magical and change the face as well as the breasts, but I am still going to be a trans woman and I daren’t hope for the changes to be so miraculous that someone could fancy me.
So either way, I’m doomed to be alone with my body, which begs the question why bother? Why put myself through it all for nothing?
Then last night I went to bed and put on my long nightdress and it felt great and I loved how I looked in it and felt wearing it. Today I am wearing knickers and tights and a crop top and this feel right too. I know that I can never give up on my feminine side, it is too much a part of who I really am. Although I equally know that I am not able to live that way without losing too much. Same old same old.
But there is more to my wanting to be a woman than wanting to have sex as a woman. I want to live as a woman and be treated as a woman by others. I want people to call me Nicola, because that’s who I am. I want to wear clothes that I feel feminine and pretty wearing (even if I am neither in reality, I still want to feel that way). And I want a female body. Not for anyone else, not for sex, but for me. Especially breasts, I so long to have breasts, more than anything else.
I have thought about giving up. Making my New Year’s resolution to be giving up all thoughts of transition and never wearing the clothes again. I have also thought of just taking steps and starting to transition. Or of making a resolution to never wear male underwear again (which is probably the most achievable of the three).
I just don’t know.
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