Skip to main content

18 Dec 25 - a night out in London

It was exciting to be out but lots of feelings, good and bad

For one thing, I felt bad about lying to my wife about where I was, and for even doing it which is a sort of betrayal (even though it’s not)

I did feel good about how I looked though. Admittedly due to padding very tight shapewear, a slinky dress and a wig and makeup (ie almost entirely fake!) but I felt actually sexy, long legs and curves and all.

London is very different to where I live. It’s so anonymous that nobody gives anyone a second glance. I went through Paddington station, travelled on the underground, walked down a packed Oxford Street and was invisible. Or “passing as female” maybe. London is so diverse anyway that men in femme clothing or heels or anything really is just about normal.

The door staff at the women-only bar were happy to admit me, one of them called me “sweetie”. So I guess femme enough

Then it got less fulfilling. For one thing, it was very quiet in there; a bar / club with only four people in is not much fun! 

There was a group of three women together and one on her own. She did smile and say hello. 

Another couple of women came in, sat down and invited the lone woman to join them at their table. Evidently no one thought inviting me to the table was a thing. Not that there’s any reason why they would.

And that’s kind of the problem isn’t it. Not one of the boys, not one of the girls. Something in between that doesn’t fit anywhere.

So now I’m feeling like giving up. 

It is good to have had the experience though I suppose. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

27 May 26 - does my brain actually have a “girl mode”?

As I keep reflecting on my night out as Nicola last week there are a lot of questions and ideas that are swirling around in my head.  One is, whether my brain has a “girl mode”, because I felt so different and behaved in ways that were unfamiliar to me.  The really distinct difference in how I felt this time was that I didn’t feel like I was a man in a dress at all, I just felt like me. I remember thinking that this is what it is like to be “inhabiting womanhood”. Evidently I have ridiculously pretentious notions after a few drinks, but it was what I was feeling. This is what it is like to actually be a woman. Less pretentious.  An odd thing, but one which does make me wonder if my brain has some kind of “switch”, is that I looked at women differently. I am exclusively attracted to women and I am attracted to boobs and bums as much as the next man (cringe at associating with being a man). I know it is impolite to stare at a woman’s chest, and I make a conscious effort no...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 May 2026 - a night out

Having a night on my own in London, I wanted to go out presenting female and get some more “real life experience”.  I had drinks and dinner with some colleagues early evening and to be honest had already had too much wine before I went out later by myself. This probably helped my confidence, although not my coordination with nail polish and mascara, which were a bit slapdash to say the least.  I remember last year getting in a lift in the hotel in a dress ready to go out, and being self conscious of people staring at me. This time, didn’t give it a thought. Likewise going into the underground and being on the train with other people. I didn’t notice if anyone looked at me and nor did I care. I was just me being me and wearing a skirt didn’t feel like a Thing, I wasn’t conscious of my clothes at all.  Similarly walking through a busy Soho to the bar, I just felt like I normally do walking around town.  Got to She Soho. Amazingly the bouncer asked me for ID. I’m 51...
Post a Comment
Read more

31 Dec 25 - reflecting on the past year

I could see 2025 as a failure.  After all, I started the year with the intention to begin my transition. I still haven’t started.  I made initial contact with the endocrinologist clinic about feminising hormone therapy, but then didn’t progress that at all as soon as I encountered the blood test hurdle.  Here at the beginning of 2026, I am no closer to living as a woman than I was at the beginning of 2025. I have not come out to anyone, I don’t have a hormone prescription, my body is still male, my presentation is still full time male, everyone still knows me only as my male name.  Has the longing to be a woman gone away because I haven’t done anything about it? No. Obviously.  Although I have not begun transitioning, I have achieved a couple of things this year.  One is that I survived my wife catching me out and finding a pair of knickers that I had forgotten to hide. It was awful, and she was terribly upset, but I got through it and that is somethi...
Post a Comment
Read more