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4 Aug 24 - doubting myself…again

I continue to feel that I got carried away booking the gender clinic and that I should cancel the appointment. At the time, it was very clear to me that it was the right thing to do and I was happy with my decision.  I didn’t even hesitate when booking it because I knew that it was right. Ever since though, that feeling has vanished. Gender isn’t at the forefront of my mind any more.  I know that is at least partly because I am so engrossed in my new job and that is taking up so much of my thinking capacity so I don’t have time to think about whether I’m really a girl or not. It also makes transitioning seem more impossible. If I am envisioning myself as the leader of the company doing all that cool stuff, can I really see myself doing that in a dress whilst transitioning and not quite being one thing or the other.  It’s certainly going to make it harder.  

So when I do think of gender, it’s to doubt myself.  Maybe it’s a fear response of the booking having set something in motion and cancellation being my way of stopping it.  Maybe it’s just another version of “am I really trans / trans enough”.  

I do know though that now it’s the weekend and when I put on knickers and a crop top to sleep in, I just felt so right. Maybe that is the feeling I should trust. 

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