Maiden’s Journey

I continue to feel that I got carried away booking the gender clinic and that I should cancel the appointment. At the time, it was very clear to me that it was the right thing to do and I was happy with my decision.  I didn’t even hesitate when booking it because I knew that it was right. Ever since though, that feeling has vanished. Gender isn’t at the forefront of my mind any more.  I know that is at least partly because I am so engrossed in my new job and that is taking up so much of my thinking capacity so I don’t have time to think about whether I’m really a girl or not. It also makes transitioning seem more impossible. If I am envisioning myself as the leader of the company doing all that cool stuff, can I really see myself doing that in a dress whilst transitioning and not quite being one thing or the other.  It’s certainly going to make it harder.   So when I do think of gender, it’s to doubt myself.  Maybe it’s a fear response of the booking having set ...

Another week to reflect upon and nothing has happened. I did get some home alone time and had the opportunity to wear a dress which was nice but it still doesn’t mean much to just be dressing female, that isn’t being female. I suppose at least I can take comfort in the knowledge that it isn’t just about the clothes.  That said, I did wear my favourite floaty dress and I do absolutely love it. There is something about it that makes me feel more feminine and girly than anything else I have ever worn or done. I knew when I first tried it on that it gave me joy and it still does.   I feel different wearing white underwear too.  Nothing else happened during the week but now it is the weekend I have switched to my usual female knickers and sitting to pee. This is so normal for me now but there is still something comforting about putting on the underwear and I am aware of the different sensation of wearing it during the day.   It is still a long time until November and feel...

Ok so I can definitely report that waxing oneself really does hurt. Not only that, it left me with a painful rash that took a week to calm down. Clearly not something that should be attempted just before going out as it looks red and sore for a long time after. Although maybe that is worse the first time because there was a lot of hair to remove.  Not that I’m in a hurry to repeat the experience! I’m still feeling really uncertain about my gender. When I booked the appointment with the gender clinic I had certainty that I was doing the right thing and didn’t even hesitate. Now time has passed I’m much less clear.  Maybe it’s just fear of the consequences of coming out and transitioning that is feeding the uncertainty and my default response to fear is to dive straight into the “I’m not really trans / not trans enough” loop?  Or maybe I’m not really trans and did get carried away with a silly fantasy and now I’m regretting it.  I know I still don’t feel like or man or...

I am feeling a bit strange in this waiting period that nothing is happening. Booking the appointment with the gender clinic was a pretty big deal and I felt like I was making progress, but now I just have to wait.   Work has been so busy, and frankly a bit miserable, that I haven’t really had the time or headspace to think about gender issues.  I have allowed body and leg hair to regrow as constantly shaving is a faff, probably isn’t good for my shaver and having stubble on my chest isn’t good. It’s less bothersome if slightly longer but it does look masculine and disgusting. Hair removal cream seems pretty useless so I have bought some wax strips and see how that works. I expect it is going to hurt!  I do have the house to myself one evening next week, so I can try waxing and also do my laundry for my secret female wardrobe. This has come at just the right time as I am down to my last pair of clean knickers. There is something lovely and comforting about putting on fe...

The firm that I work for is a bit behind in diversity.   This came up at a meeting and the rest of the senior people were oblivious. I really do feel like a generation apart from them sometimes, even though we are less than ten years apart in age.   The firm certainly doesn’t feel like a place where a trans person could comfortably come out and transition and expect to feel welcomed. I obviously have some vested interest in that but also a responsibility to those that come after.  Because I have been so busy and stressed, I have barely had time to think on who I am. I have almost felt less about gender since booking the clinic than before. I don’t know if that is because taking that step has triggered something or that I’m just too busy to think.   This is worrying me a little to be honest.   Does it mean that I have started something that I shouldn’t have?  Did I just get carried away with the fantasy of being a girl?  I do still want that. I really d...

It was the annual visit to Royal Ascot which was lovely as ever.  Lots of Prosecco consumed which kept everything flowing.  Very exciting to have actually won on a horse for the first time in any meaningful amount. We bought a random pack of bets for £20 and had low expectations as some of the bets needed two or three horses to finish in order so very unlikely. Except that one of them came in! The box is great, and lovely to see people, plus free food and drink, but the atmosphere is best down on the rail in the crowd.  We went down for the fourth race and found ourselves standing behind a trans woman in a long purple dress.  My wife took a photo and posted on Facebook that as she is not very tall, being behind this very tall woman was not great for her view. She has not clocked that this is a trans woman and from the comments on the post, none of her friends see it either. This is encouraging in that even very tall trans women can still pass, which is one of my own ...