After my little outing en femme last week I have been feeling more girly and happy with who I am as a trans woman. It really was lovely to forget myself and just be a girl for a bit.
What is a shame though is that I haven’t been able to share my joy with my wife and tell her how I feel. This is because I fear how she will react to me “cross dressing”, which is a subject I haven’t previously broached with her. I think if I could have shared with her how I felt being out as a woman, it could have helped her to understand a little more about me and what this journey is and how feeling feminine matters to me. If she could know how I feel when I feel feminine and pretty, and how happy that makes me, then surely she would be more open to my transness.
We did have an interesting conversation about female dress this week, although not in relation to me. We had been to the shop and walking back, there was a girl wearing such tiny shorts she may as well have been out in her underwear. Now I realise that makes me sound very middle aged and prudish! Our discussion was along the lines of why she chose this and whether this was a real choice or a societal pressure on what girls look like. My wife is a feminist (as am I) and hates that women are expected to wear tight or revealing clothing for the same functions that men wear loose and concealing versions, e.g. the double standards in athletics and gymnastics, or even on Strictly.
This did get me thinking about how I choose to dress as a woman. I choose clothes that to me, express femininity. This is partly for how they make me feel, because they signal to me that I’m girly, but are also to present cues to the world that I am woman not man.
I choose a short dress or skirt because skirts are female. Short because showing my long slender legs is a female cue, but also because I know they look good. No one is ever going to judge my leg shape as a man, but as a girl I wish for them to be admired. Why is that? Am I a victim of the idealised female form portrayed by the media and fashion industry and so that is my idea of what I need to look like to be a woman?
Similarly, I feel more girly wearing a lower neckline and revealing part of my chest. I’m using it to signal that I’m female to help me pass, but also I’m exposing some of my bare skin to view, something I would never think of as a positive thing as a man.
The outfits I feel best wearing are those that most display my body and are most girly. My male clothing is mainly to hide my body. I’m sure this is a society and fashion industry pressure that I’m falling into, but maybe it’s also a trans thing that I’m not happy with my male body and want to hide it, but want to show off my female look.
Although there is definitely a societal angle to this as there is little to no expectation on me to look a certain way as a man. I am judged on my achievements and character and maybe my car, not on my appearance. And yet, as a woman, I instinctively know my appearance matters more and I will be judged on that before anything else.
To further complicate things, I have got promotion at work to a leadership role. This is a good thing, obviously, and I should be delighted. However, does it stop me from pursuing transition? Can I realistically do both? I have this massive responsibility and a need for credibility and I can’t help but worry that coming out as trans might jeopardise the business.
It does secretly amuse me that I am a trans woman in leadership, even if nobody knows, and that I could change the perception that the business is all run by men, by transitioning and giving us a female leader. Not sure anyone else would see the funny side of that though. And as a feminist I feel guilty about getting a role with male privilege that I am sure would have been closed off to me as a woman, and certainly as a trans woman
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