Maiden’s Journey

I got details if the voice feminisation therapist through on the email and also links to the BMA and GMC guidance for GPs so I can do battle with the practice and see if they will help with my treatment by prescribing and doing the blood tests.  The voice coaching letter is interesting. It seems it’s not just talking in a higher pitch but also about resonance and it is that which makes the most difference. Which makes sense. The are women with high voices and low voices but they are all immediately identifiable as female, so there must be something other than pitch that signals this.  They also train for conversation, telephone and projection / public speaking as you use your voice differently in these situations.  Sounds interesting, maybe fun and most likely difficult to master.  I was visiting our northernmost office today and was hoping to be able to go out at the Mall on the way home, but there wasn’t enough time to fit that in. I am keen to have some more ...

So this was a momentous day and now I’m feeling something! Having submitted the registration form last night, I received an email inviting me to a two stage assessment on 18th and 26th November. There were links in the email to book and pay. All I have to do is click and enter some details and I have an appointment.  The email was addressed to Nicola of course and I’m still enjoying that.  They also said they would send details of the voice therapist and suggested I may want to start that in the meantime before our appointment.  I’m sure it’s wrong to read too much into this, but I could infer that they have already concluded that I am trans and can proceed with transition or else why would I start voice feminisation therapy?  Suddenly, it is starting to feel real and November is both far away and yet it is now moving fast.  Naturally what I should do is think about this for a while, and definitely talk it over with my wife.  Obviously what I actually ...

I completed and submitted the registration form which was quite lengthy and not very exciting.  It was all factual background stuff really, except for one question about what I hoped to get from the service.  I had sort of answered this in the original email so wasn’t sure whether to copy and paste or write something new. I wrote something new but on the same lines. I did open with the bold statement that “I simply want to be a woman” and then went on to feminising hormone therapy, voice coaching and reassignment surgery.  Although I suppose I should be feeling like each step is a really huge thing, I’m still not. I just got to the end of the form and clicked submit. 

I sent the new patient enquiry to the gender clinic, which was: ————————— Dear Dr [name] I am writing to book an initial assessment appointment please, which I gather from your website will be opening up this month for dates from September onwards.  In answer to the four introductory questions detailed on your website: a) Name and pronouns My preferred name is Nicola (although my legal name is still my given name of Mark). Nicola is the girl's name that my parents had chosen for me had I been born female.   My gender identity is female and so I prefer she/her pronouns.  Although I am not “out” to most people in my life who assume I am male, as I appear, I do find it grating to hear myself described as he/him/a man, especially the latter, I find that really difficult to hear.  b) Gender concerns I was born male and have lived all my life (49 years) ostensibly as a boy and latterly as a man.  However, from around the age of eleven and the onset of p...

The private gender clinic has said on its website that it reopens in June for bookings in September.  Well tomorrow is June. Although I expect that the first of June might not be what they mean, it might be first Monday, or any day. Might be the 30th.  In readiness, I have looked up what is the first step. This is to email a) preferred name and pronouns, b) brief summary of your gender concerns, c) any steps you may have already taken towards social, legal or medical transition and d) what you would like to get out of contact with the service. Name is easy, I’m Nicola.  I think of myself as female so my pronouns are she / her I suppose but I have never heard myself referred to by female pronouns so I don’t particularly feel attached to them. I do know that male pronouns feel wrong and I find it really grating to hear myself referred to as he, him or described as a man.  Brief summary of my gender concerns? Hmm, brief? I have wished that I was a girl since I was ...

After my little outing en femme last week I have been feeling more girly and happy with who I am as a trans woman. It really was lovely to forget myself and just be a girl for a bit.   What is a shame though is that I haven’t been able to share my joy with my wife and tell her how I feel.  This is because I fear how she will react to me “cross dressing”, which is a subject I haven’t previously broached with her. I think if I could have shared with her how I felt being out as a woman, it could have helped her to understand a little more about me and what this journey is and how feeling feminine matters to me. If she could know how I feel when I feel feminine and pretty, and how happy that makes me, then surely she would be more open to my transness.   We did have an interesting conversation about female dress this week, although not in relation to me. We had been to the shop and walking back, there was a girl wearing such tiny shorts she may as well have been out in her un...

Attraction and AGP I wrote this long email to one of my online trans friends to share my thoughts on some things she was concerned about.  I have copied it here as it might be useful for me at some point. Autogynephilia is often shortened to AGP as it’s a pain to type and difficult to spell!  If you want to do the background reading on what this is, the Wikipedia page is pretty good as a starting point  https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard%27s_transsexualism_typology -— I relate to some of those feelings and you’re not alone in them. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from social media it’s that what I thought were my unique problems are actually shared by many trans people and far from being the only one, I’m more like a “textbook case”.  The confusion of being attracted to women and also wanting to be them is apparently really normal (for us!). I guess we never really share those sorts of things with other people so our only basis for comparison is our own expe...

I don’t believe in fate but… Having been away for an overnight in South Wales I would be passing Bristol on the way back which presents an opportunity to stop at The Mall at Cribbs Causeway where I feel comfortable going out dressed female and doing a little clothes shopping.  I packed the outfit ready.  However I had forgotten there is a link road between the M4 and M5 that skips Bristol and joins two junctions south of Cribbs. To go there therefore, I would have to actually go out of my way. So although I felt that I wanted to go out in public again and gain some more experience, it felt like it wasn’t going to happen this time. When this happens I feel a mix of relief and disappointment.  Relief because testing myself and being visible is a little bit daunting, but disappointing because I feel I’m missing out on an experience. So I don’t believe in fate, but the matrix signs were showing that the M49 was delayed by an accident and recommended diverting via M4 which joi...