Regular readers (if there are any?!) may know that I began 2023 with a resolution that this was the year I would transition. I had a plan formed in my head, worked out all the steps and set myself target dates for each with the aim of living full time by the beginning of July.
Well here I am in August, not out, not on hormones and no further forward in beginning transition.
In hindsight, I was wanting to rush through all the steps and aiming to do things before I was ready and so they felt too difficult and I stopped.
There was a period when I felt like giving up altogether but as any trans person will know, gender issues don’t simply go away because you want them to. It’s always there and very quickly comes back to the forefront of my mind.
My recent experiences of presenting as a woman in a public place, feeling euphoric trying on a new dress and presenting as Nicola to a friend who knows me as male were all very positive and have helped me to find confidence that I could live my life as a trans woman.
This confidence has renewed my motivation to pursue my transition and to start making new plans.
Talking to my wife was the hurdle I could not overcome last time around so I know that has to be the key step that enables everything else. There is no point in trying to start any of the other things until that happens.
I now realise that I am not able to rush any of the steps, so this needs to happen at its own pace. She will have her own pace for processing it, and I can’t rush that either. I’m thinking that talking about it precedes any attempt at presenting female to her. I can’t just put my dress on one day and tell her this is who I am from now on! Maybe I should get some female jeans and start there, then move onto leggings before I show myself in a skirt and then a dress. Starting out as an occasional thing for her to get used to, but working towards dressing female full time at home.
After that, I can repeat the process to build up towards dressing female full time out and about and then again, to come out at work and introduce my female identity there.
Although I know from experience that trying to put arbitrary dates to each step is pointless and creates unnecessary pressure for myself, it would be nice to be able to start 2024 as Nicola full time, but that may not be possible.
I would like to have begun medical transition before then too and that is something that can be done in parallel and to a large extent in secret as nothing will become apparent to anyone else for quite some time. I probably should not take any actual medical steps until I have had the conversation with my wife, but there is no reason why I couldn’t do some of the preliminaries to be ready to go. That really is in my own hands and I could just start that process quite soon.
Even now though, as I’m working out how to begin transition, I am vacillating and thinking that I can’t really do this, can’t really be trans and the whole idea is just a silly fantasy. Don’t know if I will ever not feel that way.
This week, I will be driving past the out of town mall again, so could take another opportunity for some real life experience. I could also use this visit to get some of the essential items for my main plan, such as some female jeans and a couple of pretty tops, ready for the gentle introduction to me for my wife. If I start to make things feel real, maybe they’re more likely to happen.
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