20th June - Ascot and envy

Today I have been to the first day of Royal Ascot (for non-UK readers, posh horse racing event). 

It’s work, going with clients, but as work goes, quite fun! 

It is traditional at this event for men to wear formal attire, and for the zones we are in, the full top hat and tailcoat outfit is required. That is ok, but very hot on a sunny day. Maybe actual men enjoy dressing up like that, but as a secret trans woman, it doesn’t do it for me. 

There is a dress code for ladies also but that still allows a huge variety of personal expression that is denied to me as (ostensibly) a man. 

Thousands of people go to this event and every where one looks, there are ladies looking fabulous with gorgeous dresses and hats in all different styles. 

I’m not particularly into horses to be honest, but for people watching, Ascot is unrivalled. 

Tea dresses that twirl, long pleated dresses that swish, one lady with an almost mermaidy dress. Sure there were plenty of ill-advised outfits, or ones that started well but had lost their elegance after quite a few drinks, but the overall aesthetic was fabulous. 

Fabulous is one word. Another would be envy. Or longing. 

Maybe longing is the best word for how I feel. 

Longing to be able to wear the dresses obviously but not just that, a longing for the feeling of dressing up and feeling good about myself, feeling pretty and special. I don’t get that feeling from my gentlemen’s outfit, however fancy, because that’s not how I see myself. 

I imagine for the women, they get their hair done especially, shaving their legs, choosing underwear that works with the dress, makeup, jewellery, bag. All the little rituals and then going out into the world feeling beautiful. 

I expect the reality is that most of the rituals are mundane and a bit annoying, the dress never fits quite like it does in the photo on the website, they are self critical and feel too fat, too short, too old, too frumpy, etc etc  Instead of feeling beautiful and feminine and confident, many women probably go out feeling bad and hating how they look. 

And that is part of the problem with my “condition”. I long for an idealised perfect femininity of feeling special and beautiful and sexy and where painful beauty rituals are a joy and uncomfortable underwear feels special and impractical shoes and flimsy dresses that reveal my body make me feel good, not vulnerable. 

That’s not reality at all. 

Pretty much every woman there will have felt self conscious about something or critical of some part of how she looked. They all will have felt judged by other women. They all will have been made to feel uncomfortable by how a man looked at them. 

That is the reality of being a woman isn’t it?  Not the dream life I am fantasising about. 

Does that make me want it less?  No, not really. I may long for the dream life but at least I am aware that isn’t reality. I want to be a woman and therefore a real woman, and that includes the insecurities and discomforts. 

Maybe there is even reassurance to be found. If I worry about looking too masculine or tall or whatever if I were to present female, there are just as many things that cis women are worrying about. It’s al part of the experience maybe. 

Is that crazy? Longing for a false idealism, being fully aware that reality doesn’t live up to that, but still longing for it anyway? 

Is it even conceivable that I could go to Ascot as myself? I doubt my firm would be enthusiastically sending me out client entertaining whilst I was transitioning and far from passing. The people I spent the day with have known me as male for a long time and they are quite old school. Going as Nicola would be awkward. Maybe not impossible, but really awkward for everyone. 

I could probably go as a normal race goer for the experience and chance to dress up, but I probably wouldn’t as I’m not that into the sport so it’s a lot of effort to go to for nothing. So maybe I will never go to Ascot as a lady.