Looking back at my recent posts, I have been through giving up entirely on my gender; trying to work out how to be as authentic and female as I can be whilst presenting male; and recognising that the only thing that I truly want is to be a woman in every way possible.
Whilst I have confidence in my feelings and know them to be true, I also know that the only way to really prove it is to try. No amount of reading about the effects of feminising hormone treatment is going to tell me how I will feel on oestrogen rather than testosterone. Imagining what it would be like to have breasts or learning about the Tanner stages of development is never going to tell me how I will feel when I experience it.
I could write pages and pages of these blogs, tell my two ally friends how I feel, even go to therapy and talk about it for hours on end. There is really no way of knowing whether it is right other than through experience. This is scary because so much cannot be tried out privately, so even though much of the early stages are reversible, the consequences on relationships and what others think about me are not. However, I see this now as the only way. My wish to be a woman will never ever go away, so unless I test it, I will always keep coming back to this place, year in year out, wanting the same thing but holding back. At least if I try and it doesn’t feel right, then I will have certainty and maybe that will stop the cycle and I won’t keep coming back here. Or, if it does feel right, then I’m on the journey.
I think I have decided that I need to try hormones and to see how I feel. I had sort of decided at the beginning of the year to do this, but the difference in mindset was that the New Year plan was to start transitioning. Now I am starting transitioning as a trial, not a fixed path. It feels less daunting because I’m offering myself an out, obviously, but not just that. It feels more rational to do it this way. Sensible even.
Before I start on that though I feel that I need to gain a little more real life experience of presenting female in public. I have done so three times before and it was fine, I have proven to myself that I can handle it, but the last time out didn’t feel satisfactory. I think this was because although I walked around and was visible in a skirt, I didn’t interact with anyone. Just walking around in a skirt doesn’t prove anything to myself. To really test how I can deal with being a visible trans woman, I need to talk to people and not pass and deal with that reaction.
I have an opportunity this week when I will be driving past the out of town mall that has been the scene of my earlier trial runs. Last time that opportunity presented itself I chose to let it pass, but I need to take it now.
I think the best way to try interacting is to go into stores and ask to try on some outfits in the fitting rooms. By doing this I will have to speak to someone and to make myself visible as a trans woman. I know that I can do this, I’ve been into shops dressed male and asked to try on dresses and skirts before. I’ve also been into shops dressed female to browse clothes and underwear. So why does combining the two feel different? I think it is because of what it signifies. Going as a male and asking to try on a dress is weird but might be any number of reasons that I might be doing that. Going dressed female and doing the same is saying “I am transgender and I am socially transitioning”. I don’t think it necessarily does, but that’s how it feels to me.
This plan is unlikely to be successful if I just go and browse some shops. I am more likely to go through with my plan if I work out what it is I am going to try on before I go so I can go straight to what I want and to the fitting room. If I have to spend a lot of time looking for something there is more chance of my courage failing me.
What is my goal? To be visible and openly trans, to interact with people and be open about what I am doing. A really good result would be to explain that I am building a wardrobe for social transition.
What do I hope to feel? That I have the courage to be open about what I am doing (or planning on doing) and that it feels right and authentic, not that I am putting on an act or trying to be something I’m not.
If this feels right, then trying hormones could be the right thing to do
It’s a daunting thing to do but I feel that I have to do this.
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