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16th May - I have a strong feeling that giving up was the wrong call

At the turn of the year, I was so sure that I was going to transition, it was what I wanted, and that I needed to do so as quickly as possible. 

It started well but I was knocked off course by the first set-back and then progress stalled when I discovered there was nothing else that I could do until I came out to family, and I was afraid to do that. 

As I lost momentum, the little things which had been bringing me joy started to become routine, and then, as my "transition" was going nowhere, to feel pointless and even performative.  

At which point I gave up.  Small things, such as reverting to male underwear, allowing my leg hair to grow back, and then, a kind of final symbolic act: having my hair cut short again. 

Having written daily for a quarter of a year, I stopped writing this blog and a whole month passed before I had anything to say.  

However, "giving up" on transition does not also just stop my feelings that I am transgender.  Why would it?  I've felt this way for thirty plus years, it is not that my new year plans arose from some kind of sudden realisation, they were the culmination of something long in the making and the approach of a big birthday next year. 

To be honest, the big birthday was partly the driver for my wish to do things quickly.  If I wanted to "be a woman" by that date, then as I understand it, I need to have lived full time in my new gender for a full twelve months before a referral for surgery could be considered.  Working backwards from that meant that I would need to be full time by early summer, so needing to feminise a bit before then, I was in a hurry to begin.  

Maybe that was the problem. By putting pressure on myself to move more quickly than felt comfortable, I couldn’t bring myself to do the big steps. It is then weirdly ironic that I abandoned my small steps out of frustration that I was not moving forward fast enough so they felt pointless. 

Now, with a bit of time having passed during which I have been “just” male and with no intention of transitioning, my feelings have become a little clearer. 

For one thing, there is nothing for me in being just male. I have no vision or dream of being a man, which is sort of odd given that I ostensibly am one. Or perfectly understandable because I’m not. 

My feelings since I stopped trying to start, after a few weeks of numbness, are now even stronger that I need to transition completely. 

I’m regretting cutting my hair short. It’s a lot less effort for sure, and it suits me better than the awkward mid-length not feminine place I was at. Nevertheless, not feeling that I am working towards something does feel like a loss. It’s not that it’s irreversible obviously, but it would take another year to get any length back and mean going through the untidy awkward phase again. 

It’s the same with body hair and leg hair, and I miss the affirmation of the underwear. 

I just feel really strongly now that I want to move forward and that I have lost time. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to get to an understanding of here? I’ve not done anything that precludes transition in the future, but I am feeling bad because I could be further forward now had I not lost momentum and courage before. 

Maybe stopping was a mistake. Maybe it was a necessary step to enable me to truly understand my feelings about transitioning and allow that to catch up. 

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