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14th May - should I trust my intuition?

I think I am an over-thinker and I get bogged down in analysis of my own choices to the point that I never actually make any decisions at all. 

In most situations I don’t seem to be able to trust my own intuition and especially when it comes to the whole gender question. 

Given that intuition is probably the only possible guide in this matter, that explains why I am unable to make any meaningful decisions or progress. 

What would my intuition tell me though, if I were to listen to it?

That I have positive hopeful thoughts when I think about transitioning. 

Recently I was driving home thinking about how I could practically arrange the necessary appointments to start hormone treatment and the feeling I got from this was optimism. My rational mind tells me that I should feel fear and uncertainty and anxiety but I didn’t. I felt hopeful and happy. 

If I listen to my intuition, then just those feelings alone ought to tell me something. 

There’s another thing too, a phrase that keeps coming into my head, something that should scare me but instead just feels right. 

When I feel the stretchiness around my chest of the band of a bra or crop top, and the straps on my shoulders I often think it. When I shave my legs. And it most frequently comes to me if I’m sitting on the loo to pee (sorry to keep mentioning that). 

The thought that I keep having when I feel aware of these things: “this is what I will feel/do, for the rest of my life”. 

If I transition, I will wear a bra and feel that sensation all day, every day for the rest of my life. 

If I transition, I will necessarily pee sitting down for the rest of my life. 

How should I feel about that?

It sounds like a negative thing. For ever. For life. No going back, no choices any more, just this way, for the rest of my life. It certainly sounds daunting put that way. Like being sentenced to some sort of punishment that has no end. 

That is not the way I am feeling though. 

When I think “I will have to do this for the rest of my life” or “I am going to experience this feeling for the rest of my life”, I feel happy about that. I feel hopeful and optimistic. I see it more as “I will get to do this and feel this way every single day for ever, that’s amazing”. 

Even just writing this I am feeling optimistic and hopeful. 

I think it is actually pretty obvious what my intuition is trying to tell me. 

Whether or not I can trust it and follow its advice is another question. 

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