Skip to main content

14th May - should I trust my intuition?

I think I am an over-thinker and I get bogged down in analysis of my own choices to the point that I never actually make any decisions at all. 

In most situations I don’t seem to be able to trust my own intuition and especially when it comes to the whole gender question. 

Given that intuition is probably the only possible guide in this matter, that explains why I am unable to make any meaningful decisions or progress. 

What would my intuition tell me though, if I were to listen to it?

That I have positive hopeful thoughts when I think about transitioning. 

Recently I was driving home thinking about how I could practically arrange the necessary appointments to start hormone treatment and the feeling I got from this was optimism. My rational mind tells me that I should feel fear and uncertainty and anxiety but I didn’t. I felt hopeful and happy. 

If I listen to my intuition, then just those feelings alone ought to tell me something. 

There’s another thing too, a phrase that keeps coming into my head, something that should scare me but instead just feels right. 

When I feel the stretchiness around my chest of the band of a bra or crop top, and the straps on my shoulders I often think it. When I shave my legs. And it most frequently comes to me if I’m sitting on the loo to pee (sorry to keep mentioning that). 

The thought that I keep having when I feel aware of these things: “this is what I will feel/do, for the rest of my life”. 

If I transition, I will wear a bra and feel that sensation all day, every day for the rest of my life. 

If I transition, I will necessarily pee sitting down for the rest of my life. 

How should I feel about that?

It sounds like a negative thing. For ever. For life. No going back, no choices any more, just this way, for the rest of my life. It certainly sounds daunting put that way. Like being sentenced to some sort of punishment that has no end. 

That is not the way I am feeling though. 

When I think “I will have to do this for the rest of my life” or “I am going to experience this feeling for the rest of my life”, I feel happy about that. I feel hopeful and optimistic. I see it more as “I will get to do this and feel this way every single day for ever, that’s amazing”. 

Even just writing this I am feeling optimistic and hopeful. 

I think it is actually pretty obvious what my intuition is trying to tell me. 

Whether or not I can trust it and follow its advice is another question. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5 May 25 - living a lie

I’m wearing a soft crop top and Brazilian knickers under my male clothes today and it’s the first time   I’ve done so since my wife found out about my underwear.   I did wear some knickers last weekend for a day, which was nice but this is the first time I have had the crop top too.  Considering that I was wearing the underwear full time and the crop tops every weekday evening and all weekends for the previous month, this has been a big gap.  I have really been craving the feeling of a bra or crop top. That stretchy tightness of the band around my chest and the straps over my shoulders. It is such a relief to have one on now.  Because I’m a bit scared about getting caught out again I have only worn the soft crop top as that is least visible under my clothes. The more structured crop top has bra straps which are a bit more noticeable so although I really want to wear that, it felt a bit too risky.  This is so rubbish that I have to hide who I really am ...
Post a Comment
Read more

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more

4 Mar 25 - first time out at a queer bar

I can’t believe I’m doing this but I have left the hotel in a dress and full makeup and walked half an hour through central London to Soho and my first ever queer bar, She Soho, a lesbian bar and man-free zone. Unfortunately no mobile reception to share with friends. Have logged on to the wifi but that doesn’t work. Ok, so how do I feel? Lonely!  There are two groups of friends and a couple.  The chat is pretty loud and I’m sitting by myself which is a bit tragic.  But, the point is, I am out in public as openly dressed and made up as I have ever been. That on its own is awesome!  I have never done this before! To be fair to myself, if I was in a normal bar and dressed as a man, I wouldn’t be talking to anyone either, so maybe that is not something I should be stressing about. Why would I imagine that being in a dress is suddenly going to make me capable of socialising and speaking with strangers?   The music is pretty cool. The beer isn’t that good, and really ...
Post a Comment
Read more