Skip to main content

14th May - should I trust my intuition?

I think I am an over-thinker and I get bogged down in analysis of my own choices to the point that I never actually make any decisions at all. 

In most situations I don’t seem to be able to trust my own intuition and especially when it comes to the whole gender question. 

Given that intuition is probably the only possible guide in this matter, that explains why I am unable to make any meaningful decisions or progress. 

What would my intuition tell me though, if I were to listen to it?

That I have positive hopeful thoughts when I think about transitioning. 

Recently I was driving home thinking about how I could practically arrange the necessary appointments to start hormone treatment and the feeling I got from this was optimism. My rational mind tells me that I should feel fear and uncertainty and anxiety but I didn’t. I felt hopeful and happy. 

If I listen to my intuition, then just those feelings alone ought to tell me something. 

There’s another thing too, a phrase that keeps coming into my head, something that should scare me but instead just feels right. 

When I feel the stretchiness around my chest of the band of a bra or crop top, and the straps on my shoulders I often think it. When I shave my legs. And it most frequently comes to me if I’m sitting on the loo to pee (sorry to keep mentioning that). 

The thought that I keep having when I feel aware of these things: “this is what I will feel/do, for the rest of my life”. 

If I transition, I will wear a bra and feel that sensation all day, every day for the rest of my life. 

If I transition, I will necessarily pee sitting down for the rest of my life. 

How should I feel about that?

It sounds like a negative thing. For ever. For life. No going back, no choices any more, just this way, for the rest of my life. It certainly sounds daunting put that way. Like being sentenced to some sort of punishment that has no end. 

That is not the way I am feeling though. 

When I think “I will have to do this for the rest of my life” or “I am going to experience this feeling for the rest of my life”, I feel happy about that. I feel hopeful and optimistic. I see it more as “I will get to do this and feel this way every single day for ever, that’s amazing”. 

Even just writing this I am feeling optimistic and hopeful. 

I think it is actually pretty obvious what my intuition is trying to tell me. 

Whether or not I can trust it and follow its advice is another question. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

11 Feb 2024 - how do you open a “coming out” conversation?

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed.  I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead.  2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower.   I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening.   And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part.  That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story.   I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement.  I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 Jun 24 - more correspondence from the gender clinic

I got details if the voice feminisation therapist through on the email and also links to the BMA and GMC guidance for GPs so I can do battle with the practice and see if they will help with my treatment by prescribing and doing the blood tests.  The voice coaching letter is interesting. It seems it’s not just talking in a higher pitch but also about resonance and it is that which makes the most difference. Which makes sense. The are women with high voices and low voices but they are all immediately identifiable as female, so there must be something other than pitch that signals this.  They also train for conversation, telephone and projection / public speaking as you use your voice differently in these situations.  Sounds interesting, maybe fun and most likely difficult to master.  I was visiting our northernmost office today and was hoping to be able to go out at the Mall on the way home, but there wasn’t enough time to fit that in. I am keen to have some more ...
Post a Comment
Read more

15th August - why transition?

I ended yesterday‘a post with a question: if I can find joy in just occasionally seeing myself as a woman, why would I want to upset my whole life and go through the emotional and physical pain of transitioning?  Is this a good question? Or is it just my protective brain once again trying to prevent me from taking a risky step? Could be both?  Assuming it is a valid question to ask myself, what are the arguments for not transitioning?  I have managed to live my life with my secret for decades and I am fine. When I do get to dress femme, I like it and it brings me happiness, and occasionally real joy. Real life is mundane and I am sure that dressing female all the time will not bring me perpetual joy and happiness, it will just be my normal. With suitable underwear and the right style of clothing, I can achieve the outward appearance of a female body shape and look pretty good (mainly thanks to the advantage of height relative to size). I don’t need hormones or surgery to ...
Post a Comment
Read more