Skip to main content

9th March - now what?

Having come to some sort of conclusion, or perhaps a better word would be resignation, that my transitioning to Nicola is impossible, what do I do now?

I have given up on what little that I was doing, and that much is simple.  I can hide my female clothing away and let my body hair grow back (which it already is with annoying rapidity!).  

That changes something, but doesn't change who or what I am.  I am still trans and still a woman, whether I pursue that openly or hide it away.  This is a permanent feature of me and isn't going to change.  

Giving up on transitioning (at least for the time being) will not make that go away, and at some point, this might become a problem.  Best case scenario is some level of regret in the future.  Worst case, I don't know.  

My other concern is a lack of dreams.  

I am very much a person who exists today on the basis that the future will be better, or different at least.  I don't really live in the present I suppose, more in the future, which is essentially living on dreams.  

For a very long time, the dream I've lived on has been the Nicola dream.  All of my future-thoughts have been linked to this, how I will transition, what my life will be like, and everything that goes with that.  If I am giving up on that, then these dreams disappear.  

There is no "man dream". 

I don't have a vision of the future where man-me is doing anything.  

Current man-me isn't happy and doesn't know what "he" wants nor how to live and be happy.  I don't have any kind of dream or vision of what a future could be that would be a happy version of me as a man.  

As someone who needs a vision of the future to get through the present, pulling that rug from under myself leaves me feeling a bit lost. 

If not Nicola, then what?  Who am I?  What am I going to do?  

What is the point?  

I don't mean that last one in a despairing "what is the point of carrying on" kind of way, more that I need a goal to pursue, that sort of "point" of life.  

All I can think of at the moment is some sort of work-related goal, as that is objective and work is probably where man-me most "exists" (not that he does exist, because I'm a trans woman).  

As for personal life, or anything that might bring happiness, there I really am at a loss.  

I need a new dream I suppose, I just don't know what it is yet.        

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5 May 25 - living a lie

I’m wearing a soft crop top and Brazilian knickers under my male clothes today and it’s the first time   I’ve done so since my wife found out about my underwear.   I did wear some knickers last weekend for a day, which was nice but this is the first time I have had the crop top too.  Considering that I was wearing the underwear full time and the crop tops every weekday evening and all weekends for the previous month, this has been a big gap.  I have really been craving the feeling of a bra or crop top. That stretchy tightness of the band around my chest and the straps over my shoulders. It is such a relief to have one on now.  Because I’m a bit scared about getting caught out again I have only worn the soft crop top as that is least visible under my clothes. The more structured crop top has bra straps which are a bit more noticeable so although I really want to wear that, it felt a bit too risky.  This is so rubbish that I have to hide who I really am ...
Post a Comment
Read more

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more

9 Feb 2025 - another week of ups and downs

Another week of ups and downs.  I did go out in a skirt, which was nice but just going around shops dressed female is something I have done quite a few times now and I don’t think I gain much from it in terms of real life experience.  Nothing new anyway.  Since I got the new first crop tops on Wednesday I have been wearing them at home every evening when I change after work and all weekend. Maybe the size 12 is a little tight and I should have got the 14, but it stays where it should and doesn’t ride up like my other less structured crop tops when I raise my arms or do something active.  Yesterday I had enough time to do a quick white wash of a couple of tops, a vest, the short nightdress and a few pairs of knickers. I even managed to iron the top and nightdress today, before my wife got up.  Having dinner last night, I was a bit hot, it being a curry, so I took my jumper off. I’m a bit nervous wearing just one layer over the crop top as you can see the outline ...
Post a Comment
Read more