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9th March - now what?

Having come to some sort of conclusion, or perhaps a better word would be resignation, that my transitioning to Nicola is impossible, what do I do now?

I have given up on what little that I was doing, and that much is simple.  I can hide my female clothing away and let my body hair grow back (which it already is with annoying rapidity!).  

That changes something, but doesn't change who or what I am.  I am still trans and still a woman, whether I pursue that openly or hide it away.  This is a permanent feature of me and isn't going to change.  

Giving up on transitioning (at least for the time being) will not make that go away, and at some point, this might become a problem.  Best case scenario is some level of regret in the future.  Worst case, I don't know.  

My other concern is a lack of dreams.  

I am very much a person who exists today on the basis that the future will be better, or different at least.  I don't really live in the present I suppose, more in the future, which is essentially living on dreams.  

For a very long time, the dream I've lived on has been the Nicola dream.  All of my future-thoughts have been linked to this, how I will transition, what my life will be like, and everything that goes with that.  If I am giving up on that, then these dreams disappear.  

There is no "man dream". 

I don't have a vision of the future where man-me is doing anything.  

Current man-me isn't happy and doesn't know what "he" wants nor how to live and be happy.  I don't have any kind of dream or vision of what a future could be that would be a happy version of me as a man.  

As someone who needs a vision of the future to get through the present, pulling that rug from under myself leaves me feeling a bit lost. 

If not Nicola, then what?  Who am I?  What am I going to do?  

What is the point?  

I don't mean that last one in a despairing "what is the point of carrying on" kind of way, more that I need a goal to pursue, that sort of "point" of life.  

All I can think of at the moment is some sort of work-related goal, as that is objective and work is probably where man-me most "exists" (not that he does exist, because I'm a trans woman).  

As for personal life, or anything that might bring happiness, there I really am at a loss.  

I need a new dream I suppose, I just don't know what it is yet.        

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