I would love to be able to say that yesterday was just a blip, and maybe I was tired from traveling a lot the day before, but today is just the same.
The idea of me transitioning, being a woman and being happy seems so remote and impossible that I feel like I may as well give up on it.
Last week I was worrying about how I could fit in with the professional community if I transitioned and concluded probably not.
Now I'm feeling crushed by the sense that my whole envisioning of who I could be is an impossible fantasy. What might have been, if I had been able to transition before university - not that this would have been possible in the late eighties / early nineties anyway? Even if it had been possible, and I had enough information to know I could do it at the optimum time, and if family barriers and school bullying could be overcome, even on that highly unlikely hypothetical scenario, I still wouldn't have been who I envision. Not only is it impossible now, it always was.
So I'm what? Mourning the loss of something that could never have happened in the first place? Can't have lost what doesn't and couldn't exist.
Is it that I'm mourning the loss of the dream?
Dreams don't exist either, but my dream was real to me.
The problem is, there is nothing for me, or even of me, in my reality. A dream is what I have to keep me going. If the dream is gone, then where do I go from there?
What is the point of transition and all that would entail, what I would lose and the personal cost, to not then win the dream as the reward for the journey? To get something less-than?
It's only worth doing if there's a prospect of happiness at the end of it. If I can't see any prospect of that, which today I really can't, then the only answer is to give up.
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