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11th March - a low day

Today I have just felt really low all day. 

Maybe, as it is the weekend, not having the distraction of work has allowed me to feel what I have been able to push aside during the week. 

Mostly it is coming to me as questions. 

Big unproductive questions like ‘what is the point’ which can’t be answered and aren’t very helpful. 

Also more pertinent but equally unanswerable questions such as how should I think of and relate to women if I take away the wish to emulate them?  And how can I hope to be one of the girls when I’m ostensibly a man, without coming across wrong? 

It has occurred to me that maybe I should just come out and tell the world that I am trans, although I’m not transitioning so that I can then be the person I want to be. And somehow that kind of coming out feels much less scary than saying I am transitioning, maybe because it is just information with no impact on the recipients, whereas I am transitioning does bring change. I’m sure it’s a bad idea though and would just bring me all the negatives with no benefits. 

Because I’m feeling low, I am not going to drink for a bit. I hardly drink anyway, just a beer with dinner and only at the weekend. So today, I didn’t have a beer. My wife has not noticed anything I have done with my gender this year, not the feminine haircut, longer nails, shaved legs or underwear, but she questions me on why I don’t want a beer with dinner! Funny. 

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