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10th March - a sense of relief?

Considering the loss of all my dreams, I am surprised that I am not feeling a great deal sadder than I actually am. That’s not say that I’m happy. I am in fact really quite sad. Just not as miserable as I might have expected. 

Partly I think it’s because I have been busy at work this week and have been able to distract myself from thinking about things, except when writing this blog of course. 

When I do try to figure what kind of life I might have if I’m not going to have the life I have been dreaming of, then pretty much all I can come up with so far is to do more work and lose myself in that. I guess that would be fine but it doesn’t really sound fulfilling. 

I think the other part of why I am not quite as unhappy as I might be, is that I do feel some sense of relief. I had built up in my head this idea of coming out being this big scary thing, and had all these fears of what I would lose and how bad everything would be for me if I did. Perhaps it isn’t surprising then that giving up on my dreams, because it also gets me out of having to face any that, feels like a relief as much as a loss. 

There is a little voice in my head that is telling me that I feel this way because I have saved myself from making a terrible mistake as I’m not even really trans anyway. But that voice is wrong so let’s ignore that. 

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