Skip to main content

6th February - inexplicable?

I wrote yesterday about how the key question of why my feelings of femininity and identification with women leads to my wanting to physically change my body to be a woman is the one thing that I can’t explain properly or at all. 

A couple of people have messaged me since to say that they too have struggled to explain this either to themselves or anyone else. I’m not alone at least, but that means there are a number of us grappling with this same question and not readily able to fine the answer. So it is important. 

Not that I think I am going to solve it for everyone here. 

Be nice if I could go some way towards solving it for myself though. 

Or does it even matter?

To me, I have this feeling and have for as long as I can remember. It is therefore my truth. I don’t need to know how or why, it is just a part of who I am and I am within my rights I think to just accept that and take it for granted. 

It only matters when it comes to trying to explain it to others. I suppose that no one else really has the right to question the validity of my internal feelings because they are my own and knowable only to me. 

Nevertheless I expect that some of the key people that I will need to come out to will feel the need for answers and explanations to help them to understand and come to terms with what I’m telling them. I can see that announcing my transition because of some nebulous feelings that can’t be articulated is hard to understand; whereas explaining that I am transitioning because of the following reasons and needs, is easier to process and comprehend. 

Or maybe not. Maybe I am just wanting to achieve the perfect coming out, by having all the answers prepared. Or I fear that if I am unable to answer a question raised by my wife or family then I will be on the back foot and have to admit that I was wrong and the whole idea was a mistake. Yes, I definitely have that fear. 

Or am I just diverting my attention to trying to find the answer to unanswerable questions so that I can delay doing the thing I fear and just starting the conversation?  Some of that too, yes. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

11 Feb 2024 - how do you open a “coming out” conversation?

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed.  I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead.  2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower.   I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening.   And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part.  That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story.   I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement.  I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 Jun 24 - more correspondence from the gender clinic

I got details if the voice feminisation therapist through on the email and also links to the BMA and GMC guidance for GPs so I can do battle with the practice and see if they will help with my treatment by prescribing and doing the blood tests.  The voice coaching letter is interesting. It seems it’s not just talking in a higher pitch but also about resonance and it is that which makes the most difference. Which makes sense. The are women with high voices and low voices but they are all immediately identifiable as female, so there must be something other than pitch that signals this.  They also train for conversation, telephone and projection / public speaking as you use your voice differently in these situations.  Sounds interesting, maybe fun and most likely difficult to master.  I was visiting our northernmost office today and was hoping to be able to go out at the Mall on the way home, but there wasn’t enough time to fit that in. I am keen to have some more ...
Post a Comment
Read more

15th August - why transition?

I ended yesterday‘a post with a question: if I can find joy in just occasionally seeing myself as a woman, why would I want to upset my whole life and go through the emotional and physical pain of transitioning?  Is this a good question? Or is it just my protective brain once again trying to prevent me from taking a risky step? Could be both?  Assuming it is a valid question to ask myself, what are the arguments for not transitioning?  I have managed to live my life with my secret for decades and I am fine. When I do get to dress femme, I like it and it brings me happiness, and occasionally real joy. Real life is mundane and I am sure that dressing female all the time will not bring me perpetual joy and happiness, it will just be my normal. With suitable underwear and the right style of clothing, I can achieve the outward appearance of a female body shape and look pretty good (mainly thanks to the advantage of height relative to size). I don’t need hormones or surgery to ...
Post a Comment
Read more