6th February - inexplicable?

I wrote yesterday about how the key question of why my feelings of femininity and identification with women leads to my wanting to physically change my body to be a woman is the one thing that I can’t explain properly or at all. 

A couple of people have messaged me since to say that they too have struggled to explain this either to themselves or anyone else. I’m not alone at least, but that means there are a number of us grappling with this same question and not readily able to fine the answer. So it is important. 

Not that I think I am going to solve it for everyone here. 

Be nice if I could go some way towards solving it for myself though. 

Or does it even matter?

To me, I have this feeling and have for as long as I can remember. It is therefore my truth. I don’t need to know how or why, it is just a part of who I am and I am within my rights I think to just accept that and take it for granted. 

It only matters when it comes to trying to explain it to others. I suppose that no one else really has the right to question the validity of my internal feelings because they are my own and knowable only to me. 

Nevertheless I expect that some of the key people that I will need to come out to will feel the need for answers and explanations to help them to understand and come to terms with what I’m telling them. I can see that announcing my transition because of some nebulous feelings that can’t be articulated is hard to understand; whereas explaining that I am transitioning because of the following reasons and needs, is easier to process and comprehend. 

Or maybe not. Maybe I am just wanting to achieve the perfect coming out, by having all the answers prepared. Or I fear that if I am unable to answer a question raised by my wife or family then I will be on the back foot and have to admit that I was wrong and the whole idea was a mistake. Yes, I definitely have that fear. 

Or am I just diverting my attention to trying to find the answer to unanswerable questions so that I can delay doing the thing I fear and just starting the conversation?  Some of that too, yes.