Recognising the patterns

It's the beginning of autumn (fall) here in the UK and we get a beautiful golden light in the early morning and late afternoon.  It has rained overnight so everything looks shiny and gilded, it's really lovely.  

There's probably some kind of brilliant metaphor that I could try to link to there, but that's not where I'm going with this, I just wanted to share a nice moment with you.  Perhaps I should have just taken a photograph. 

What I actually want to talk about is the patterns of thoughts that I have come to recognise in myself.  I mentioned a couple of posts ago that it feels like my own brain is trying to 'gaslight' me into feeling or not feeling certain things and I suppose this is another example of that.  

A brief recap for those who haven't read the last few posts: I finally managed to come to terms with my wish to transition, made a plan to come out to my wife, and then my courage failed me and I didn't go through with it.  

Then followed a day or so of feeling really sad and hopeless about it all.  Moving forward with transitioning feels so impossible and like destroying everything in my life so that there is no possibility of future happiness. Not moving forward and accepting my life as it is now also feels devoid of hope or prospect of future happiness.  Whatever I do or don’t do, it feels like I am going to end up miserable either way. 

Fortunately that phase passes reasonably quickly and I can get back to emotional equilibrium. 

The feeling of equilibrium though comes from a total denial that I can be trans at all and a sense of relief that I didn’t make a terrible mistake and out myself.  This is the feeling I have today.  My toenails, which I painted last week and found cute and affirming now look silly and I want to take the varnish off.  My female clothing is untouched and I have no urge to wear any of it. I’ve been growing my hair out but now I think about getting it cut short and masculine.  I guess it is during phases like this that people might purge their femme clothing etc and commit to “being a man”. 

I’m not going to do that because I know that this too is a temporary feeling.

Times like this are probably the most cis that I ever feel and I am able to ignore my trans emotions and just get on with life. I’m a man and that’s fine, I’m just doing work and whatever and not thinking about anything. 

That isn’t going to last though.  It’s not as though I am suddenly going to discover the secret of how to relate to and be like other guys.  Nor even want to.  

And I might not dress or wear makeup for a while, but I know that at some point I will want to again. I also know that growing my hair out takes ages, so I am not going to cut it short because I will want to present female again and I don’t want to have to wait a year to be able to style my hair in a feminine way.  

You see, I have been here before. I recognise the patterns and that this is just another round of my brain trying to protect me from risk, or prevent me from doing what I want to do, depending on how I look at it. The fear and uncertainty in the run up to taking action is to dissuade me from taking the risk. The feeling of relief is to reinforce the doubt and ensure I don’t change my mind and go back to the danger.  The sense of calm from denial is the reward for playing it safe.  

So far so predictable brain! I know your game. 

And yet, even though I know what is going on here, I fall for it every time.  The feelings are too strong. 

Or I am too weak more like.