If you’ve read my previous ramblings you’ll know that to date, my trans experience has been mostly theoretical, alone in secret or online with a few trusted friends. I’ve only actually been out dressed once, at a shopping mall far from home and it was during covid so I could hide behind a face mask.
At the weekend, I was reviewing old posts and found that almost exactly a year ago, I had written about how none of the obstacles would be any different in a year’s time so there was no benefit to waiting. If I started that day, a year hence (now!) or ten years in the future, everything that I am fear for will still be there, the only difference is I will have lost a year (or decade) of being who I want to be. My conclusion being: why not just do it now? Well I didn’t, obviously. But I can now say, one year in that I was absolutely correct. Nothing has changed, I have lost a year and it is not any easier to transition now than it was then. So I can take credit for my great wisdom and then shame for not following my own excellent advice.
Maybe this year I should listen to my own advice.
I wanted therefore to test myself.
One of the top fears I have about starting transitioning is trying to live visibly in female clothing in public and how I will feel with people seeing me, seeing what I am and judging me. Like all of us, I hope to be able to pass one day, but I am also realistic and know that isn’t possible when starting out, when I’m all physical senses, I really am just a man in a dress.
Social transition is obviously one of the necessary steps and depending on your route to transition, you may be required to demonstrate a certain period of “real life experience” of living in gender before accessing some of the medical treatments.
When I first learned about real life experience, I felt it was needlessly cruel to make people expose themselves to other people’s reactions when least equipped to pass and blend in. It feels like making trying transition as hard as it possibly can be.
However, as my thinking has developed, I have come around to seeing real life experience as a valuable step. But something that I would do for myself, not because someone requires it to tick their box on a form. I reason that I shouldn’t start medical transition unless I know I can deal with social transition. Because if I did, the physical changes would eventually force my hand and I may or may not then be able to cope with what happened next.
Full social transition in one step feels overwhelming too, so it feels sensible to dip my toe in the water, before coming out and making drastic changes that I’m not sure I will be able to deal with. Hence the need for a trial run.
My only ever time out in public wearing female clothing I had waked around and gone in some shops but I was so scared of whatever I imagined might happen if anyone saw that I wasn’t an actual woman that I didn’t interact with anyone and just tried to blend in. That’s ok, and as a first ever venture out, is a sensible approach I think. If I am ever going to be out and socially transitioned, I am going to have to interact with other people and deal with whatever happens.
I set out to try three experiences: going to a coffee shop, a supermarket and a petrol/gas station.
Although to be honest, the third of those was more a necessity as I was very low on fuel, rather than a gender test, but nevertheless it was an opportunity to do a normal mundane task presenting female and to be visible in public.
I committed to myself that I would not make it easier to hide, I had to interact with people in female presentation, so no self-checkout or pay-at-pump, I had to go to manned pay points, stand in line and talk to the staff.
This latter part was worrying, because I’ve never had any voice training and have no idea how to feminise my voice yet so knew it would be very obvious that I was a man in a skirt as soon as I spoke, even if it wasn’t already from my appearance. But that was the point of the test: to make it hard for me, to be visible and not pass and to find out whether I can handle that.
I was very nervous stepping outside and being seen and felt that everyone nearby must be looking at me and judging but it quickly became apparent, as it did the first time, that almost nobody notices or pays any attention.
First stop was the coffee shop. I know it’s a cliche but I ordered and gave my name as Nicola and then once they had made it, they called my name and I went and picked up my coffee and that was the first time that I’ve been publicly called Nicola. Actually quite a moment for me and nobody there knew or cared. In fact I’m not sure anyone even noticed me. Test one passed and I felt ok being visible and began to relax a little.
Next was the supermarket. This was busier, lots of people would see me. I walked around a bit and bought a couple of things from the makeup aisle. I overheard one person walking behind my say to his girlfriend “look, that’s a man”. I had expected some of this, more than just one actually, so it wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise was that I didn’t care at all. I had no urge to run and hide my shame or anything like that. I didn’t feel embarrassed or even angry. Just heard it, accepted that I knew I wasn’t passing so it wasn’t unexpected that others would notice. In fact, the whole object of the experiment was to see how I felt being out and visible and whether I could handle people seeing me and judging me. Hearing someone do so was therefore necessary to find that out, it was a good thing that I had because I now knew how I felt. Nor did it sway my purpose, I still went through an in-person checkout and spoke with the cashier, who smiled at me in a knowing and perhaps pitying manner.
By this point, filling the car and going in to pay was easy. I had relaxed and felt confident. Maybe people noticed, maybe they didn’t, I didn’t care either way. I was visible and that was fine.
Did I pass my test then? What did I learn from it?
Yes, I have proven to myself that I am able to be visible in public, presenting female and not passing. People see me, some comment and I have found that I can cope with that.
I have learned that social transition is in fact the most important part of transitioning. It’s very easy to focus on getting hormones and physical changes and how exciting that all is, but those are only part of it. I suppose in my head I had this fanciful notion that I could do treatment for a while and then launch myself on the world as a fully-formed passing woman. And that would be great and easy, but it is not reality. I may never be a passing woman and even if I am able to, there will be a long period when I don’t and I have to accept that. More than accept it, I need to know that I can cope with it. And from this test I believe that I can.
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