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Shoe fail!

I wrote earlier this week about ordering my first pair of ladies shoes and how I found this surprisingly difficult to bring myself to do because they represent the possibility of going into the world fully dressed as a woman and not having any shoes is an excuse not to. 

A dreadfully feeble excuse, but my cowardice doesn’t need much to cling on to! 

Anyway, I ordered them and today I collected the parcel, which I opened excitedly to try them on, only to discover that the store had shipped UK7/EU40 rather than the size UK11/EU45 as ordered (which I did check!). Thwarted. Four sizes too small is a lot and there is no way they were going to fit. 

Hence, having owned my first pair of ladies shoes for four hours, I was at the shop returning them. 

This is hardly a gripping story, so why am I wasting your time writing this? 

Because of how I felt. 

Getting to placing the order had taken me a while but when they arrived I was excited. I wanted to put them on and I felt happy not scared anymore. 

The wrong size thing was a disappointment and taking them back to the shop was a backwards step. 

I am going to reorder and I know now that I want to have them. Even though I know that they represent a little step closer to going out into the world as Nicola which is a step closer to coming out and transitioning and all that entails. 

I haven’t been in a clothing shop for a while and I felt so tempted to get loads of different outfits but I didn’t have time to browse. It just felt right, like these are the clothes I belong in and this is where I should shop. When I first started buying female clothing, I felt out of place and that I didn’t belong in those shops because everyone could see that I was male and would judge me. Now, I feel that I am in the right place and belong because I know that I am a woman and even though everyone else sees a man, it’s not even that I don’t care what they think, it’s more that I know they’re wrong and aren’t seeing me. Something in me has shifted and today I feel more woman than ever. 

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