Skip to main content

What if I just do it?

Suppose I choose a day, could be any day, and decide that is the day I do something about starting my transition and/or come out to my wife. 

I am pretty certain that I am trans and that I really truly want to actually become a girl and that means transitioning. 

I have felt this was since I was eleven although I couldn’t frame it as transness back then, I have dressed in female clothing in secret my whole adult life. It may only be in the last few years that I have discovered enough to be sure of who I am and what is possible but this is not a midlife crisis...or if it is, it’s been going on for thirty five years and started really early! 

I know that I want to transition to female and that has been my wish ever since I saw a documentary about gender reassignment in the eighties when I was in my teens and saw for the first time what was possible. But I didn’t have the courage to do anything other than dream. I feared rejection and losing everything. 

Now, that’s not so different. I have a wife and child and fear rejection by and losing them, and maybe my career too. If anything the stakes are higher. 

So even though I know what I wish I could do and who I dream of being, I don’t do it. I can’t  risk losing everything. 

But here’s the problem. After more than three decades of wishing I were a girl, buying a secret female wardrobe and dressing as Nicola when I am alone in private, I can probably safely conclude that these feelings are real and are not going to go away.  So what I feel now, I am going to feel next year, and in five years and most likely forever. Therefore I either repress my feelings for the rest of my life, which I probably can manage, or at some point I act on them. 

Now, if I act on them then the things I fear are going to come to pass. Or maybe I will be pleasantly surprised, but let’s assume the worst. If I come rushing out of my closet tomorrow the bad things might occur. If I leave it a year and come out then, the same bad things will still be there. It isn’t as though anything or anyone in my life will have become super pro-trans in twelve months time and be delighted that I am going to be the tran they always wanted. And the same will be true in five years or ten or twenty. The point is, there will never be a right time. There won’t be a situation when I have nothing to fear. It doesn’t make any difference when I start, the fears and the consequences won’t change. All that will have changed is that I will have missed out on being me for the duration. 

So if it doesn’t make any difference when I do the drastically scary thing, what if I just do it now? 

The gender services in the UK have a ludicrous waiting list but there are a couple of private gender clinics that operate on an informed consent basis. All I need to do is fill out the form, pay the fee and start the process. There is nothing stopping me from doing that. No barriers. Not real barriers. Just my own fears. I could literally go online and start my transition journey at any time I chose. 

So back to my opening question, suppose I just choose a day and start. Could be any day, the impact won’t be any less if it is sooner or later. So why not sooner?

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

11 Feb 2024 - how do you open a “coming out” conversation?

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed.  I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead.  2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower.   I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening.   And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part.  That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story.   I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement.  I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 Jun 24 - more correspondence from the gender clinic

I got details if the voice feminisation therapist through on the email and also links to the BMA and GMC guidance for GPs so I can do battle with the practice and see if they will help with my treatment by prescribing and doing the blood tests.  The voice coaching letter is interesting. It seems it’s not just talking in a higher pitch but also about resonance and it is that which makes the most difference. Which makes sense. The are women with high voices and low voices but they are all immediately identifiable as female, so there must be something other than pitch that signals this.  They also train for conversation, telephone and projection / public speaking as you use your voice differently in these situations.  Sounds interesting, maybe fun and most likely difficult to master.  I was visiting our northernmost office today and was hoping to be able to go out at the Mall on the way home, but there wasn’t enough time to fit that in. I am keen to have some more ...
Post a Comment
Read more

15th August - why transition?

I ended yesterday‘a post with a question: if I can find joy in just occasionally seeing myself as a woman, why would I want to upset my whole life and go through the emotional and physical pain of transitioning?  Is this a good question? Or is it just my protective brain once again trying to prevent me from taking a risky step? Could be both?  Assuming it is a valid question to ask myself, what are the arguments for not transitioning?  I have managed to live my life with my secret for decades and I am fine. When I do get to dress femme, I like it and it brings me happiness, and occasionally real joy. Real life is mundane and I am sure that dressing female all the time will not bring me perpetual joy and happiness, it will just be my normal. With suitable underwear and the right style of clothing, I can achieve the outward appearance of a female body shape and look pretty good (mainly thanks to the advantage of height relative to size). I don’t need hormones or surgery to ...
Post a Comment
Read more