Gender dysphoria and me

I guess this is another aspect of my questioning whether I am “trans enough”.  I can only apologise for keep going on about this, but it is a multifaceted problem so there are many things to say!

What it comes down to is this: I didn’t think I felt dysphoria, so I thought that meant I was not trans. 

What do I mean by that? 

I suppose I was starting from a limited understanding and the assumption that dysphoria was the cliche of “I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body”, which probably no one in the real world has ever actually said. But growing up with almost no knowledge about trans issues, that was the full extent of my understanding. 

I don’t feel trapped in the wrong body. I don’t really have much anxiety about my maleness at all on a day to day basis. So I sort of assumed that I don’t “have “ dysphoria and by extension, that I wasn’t “proper” trans. 

Except that I do have dysphoria. 

I just took a while to realise that was what it was. 

Dysphoria manifests when I dress. I love dressing up in girly things and feeling feminine and attractive. It is one of the great joys of being a secret trans. 

I have written before about how wearing a bra is a defining thing for me to feel as a woman. Cupping my tiny amount of breast always feels special. I love the look of a bra on me...but I can’t help notice the chest hair. It spoils the moment. Dysphoria strikes. It reminds me that the bra is a part of a fantasy and that I am just a man. 

The same with knickers / panties which are pretty and feel sexy, but ruined by a non-feminine bulge. In guy mode, I have few negative thoughts about my genitals, but when wearing lingerie, I hate them. 

Those things are hidden when fully dressed though. I have great legs which look good in tights/pantyhose and with a nice dress or skirt and top, my body looks good. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and I really fancy the woman I see...right up until I get to my face and have to deal with the male looking back at me. Then dysphoria really strikes. Along with anxiety about never being able to pass, not being pretty, and all the usual negative things I can tell myself about how this whole trans idea is a ridiculous fantasy and I should just face facts that it’s impossible. 

So I think maybe on reflection, that I do have gender dysphoria after all.