To be a girl, or to be like a girl

if Hamlet was trans?

Not exactly. 

Do you mind if I continue with the theme from my last blog about whether I am trans enough?

Like I said, that seems to be a very common question for people in the trans community but I wouldn’t say it is quite how I characterise the issue in my own head. 

The question I grapple with is: do I want to be a girl, or do I want to be like a girl? 

What do I mean by that? To be a girl, I mean going the whole way and transitioning. To actually fully become female. Or is that I want to be able to be like a girl when I want to be, which does not involve major interventions and change, just being able to dress sometimes, grow my hair, have female friends and be seen as “one of the girls”. 

Those things are all nice and have served me well over the years. I could continue with occasionally being like a girl and never go any further and that would probably be fine. 

And yet there is a part of me that wonders what it could be like if I actually became a woman. And I have escalated in recent years and have been out into the world as Nicola, albeit a long way from home as I am not out to anyone. 

I keep asking myself this question because all decisions hang upon the answer. If being like a girl is sufficient, then I don’t need to change anything. If I need to be a girl, then it is necessary to come out to my wife, family and work and start the process of seeking treatment. And that is a pretty big deal so the answer to my question is really rather important. 

Now you might assume that if anyone is qualified to know what I want for my life then I ought to be. But no. Not a clue. How am I supposed to know what I want? 

So to help myself answer my question I started doing my research. I have read a lot of articles, all the trans pages on Wikipedia, joined an online forum for trans women and got into trans Twitter. I have read about the different types of trans experience and have found some that seem to fit me, and some that don’t. I have communicated with trans women I can relate to, and others that I don’t. 

Has any of this helped?

Well it hasn’t answered my question, so not in that sense. But I believe that knowing more and learning from others has been helpful to me. 

There are times when I am clear in my mind that it is an impossible dream and that my secret life of being like a girl is perfect for me. There are other times when I know for certain that what I really want is to transition and become a woman. And then I think, but what if that’s just what I want myself to think and it isn’t what I really want, I’m kidding myself. And then I think, well if I want myself to think I want to become a woman then doesn’t that mean that it is what I want? And so it goes on, in circles but never getting anywhere. 

I do have my “fairy godmother” test. If my fairy godmother granted me three wishes then without hesitation the first would be to make me a girl. 

Conclusive proof of my true feelings?  Well not really, since I know that there is no such thing as having wishes granted so it’s easy to say. Or is the easiness the point? If I had a wish, and transition were that easy, I wouldn’t hesitate. So is it that this is what I truly want but I’m scared of admitting it because I know that the consequences of doing so are so very hard. 

And so I go on, talking myself around in circles and never making a decision.