Skip to main content

To be a girl, or to be like a girl

if Hamlet was trans?

Not exactly. 

Do you mind if I continue with the theme from my last blog about whether I am trans enough?

Like I said, that seems to be a very common question for people in the trans community but I wouldn’t say it is quite how I characterise the issue in my own head. 

The question I grapple with is: do I want to be a girl, or do I want to be like a girl? 

What do I mean by that? To be a girl, I mean going the whole way and transitioning. To actually fully become female. Or is that I want to be able to be like a girl when I want to be, which does not involve major interventions and change, just being able to dress sometimes, grow my hair, have female friends and be seen as “one of the girls”. 

Those things are all nice and have served me well over the years. I could continue with occasionally being like a girl and never go any further and that would probably be fine. 

And yet there is a part of me that wonders what it could be like if I actually became a woman. And I have escalated in recent years and have been out into the world as Nicola, albeit a long way from home as I am not out to anyone. 

I keep asking myself this question because all decisions hang upon the answer. If being like a girl is sufficient, then I don’t need to change anything. If I need to be a girl, then it is necessary to come out to my wife, family and work and start the process of seeking treatment. And that is a pretty big deal so the answer to my question is really rather important. 

Now you might assume that if anyone is qualified to know what I want for my life then I ought to be. But no. Not a clue. How am I supposed to know what I want? 

So to help myself answer my question I started doing my research. I have read a lot of articles, all the trans pages on Wikipedia, joined an online forum for trans women and got into trans Twitter. I have read about the different types of trans experience and have found some that seem to fit me, and some that don’t. I have communicated with trans women I can relate to, and others that I don’t. 

Has any of this helped?

Well it hasn’t answered my question, so not in that sense. But I believe that knowing more and learning from others has been helpful to me. 



There are times when I am clear in my mind that it is an impossible dream and that my secret life of being like a girl is perfect for me. There are other times when I know for certain that what I really want is to transition and become a woman. And then I think, but what if that’s just what I want myself to think and it isn’t what I really want, I’m kidding myself. And then I think, well if I want myself to think I want to become a woman then doesn’t that mean that it is what I want? And so it goes on, in circles but never getting anywhere. 


I do have my “fairy godmother” test. If my fairy godmother granted me three wishes then without hesitation the first would be to make me a girl. 

Conclusive proof of my true feelings?  Well not really, since I know that there is no such thing as having wishes granted so it’s easy to say. Or is the easiness the point? If I had a wish, and transition were that easy, I wouldn’t hesitate. So is it that this is what I truly want but I’m scared of admitting it because I know that the consequences of doing so are so very hard. 

And so I go on, talking myself around in circles and never making a decision. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

11 Feb 2024 - how do you open a “coming out” conversation?

Feeling better today and woke up feeling feminine which was nice. Wife still in bed.  I could come out, but only to the dog! Went for a run instead.  2.75 miles which is 0.5 miles more than last week but the last bit was a struggle. We talked a bit but I didn’t say what I need to say. Now she has gone to shower.   I also didn’t say anything in the afternoon and then failed to say anything in the evening too. The problem is that it isn’t the sort of thing that neatly segues into a conversation. “Funny that you should mention penile inversion vaginoplasty…” is unlikely to ever come up as an opportune opening.   And it is the opening sentence that I think is the hardest part.  That is the moment of “shock” so needs to be not too shocking. After that, I think I will find the rest fairly easy as it is just telling my story.   I think that “I’m transgender” or anything like that is too big a shock statement.  I think that a softer introduction of “I wish I w...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 Jun 24 - more correspondence from the gender clinic

I got details if the voice feminisation therapist through on the email and also links to the BMA and GMC guidance for GPs so I can do battle with the practice and see if they will help with my treatment by prescribing and doing the blood tests.  The voice coaching letter is interesting. It seems it’s not just talking in a higher pitch but also about resonance and it is that which makes the most difference. Which makes sense. The are women with high voices and low voices but they are all immediately identifiable as female, so there must be something other than pitch that signals this.  They also train for conversation, telephone and projection / public speaking as you use your voice differently in these situations.  Sounds interesting, maybe fun and most likely difficult to master.  I was visiting our northernmost office today and was hoping to be able to go out at the Mall on the way home, but there wasn’t enough time to fit that in. I am keen to have some more ...
Post a Comment
Read more

15th August - why transition?

I ended yesterday‘a post with a question: if I can find joy in just occasionally seeing myself as a woman, why would I want to upset my whole life and go through the emotional and physical pain of transitioning?  Is this a good question? Or is it just my protective brain once again trying to prevent me from taking a risky step? Could be both?  Assuming it is a valid question to ask myself, what are the arguments for not transitioning?  I have managed to live my life with my secret for decades and I am fine. When I do get to dress femme, I like it and it brings me happiness, and occasionally real joy. Real life is mundane and I am sure that dressing female all the time will not bring me perpetual joy and happiness, it will just be my normal. With suitable underwear and the right style of clothing, I can achieve the outward appearance of a female body shape and look pretty good (mainly thanks to the advantage of height relative to size). I don’t need hormones or surgery to ...
Post a Comment
Read more