Maiden’s Journey

The first time I went out dressed female was a huge thing just in itself. It was a test for me to see if I had the courage to do it.  It was also a completely new experience and I didn’t know how people would react or how I would feel about that.  Having done just being visible, I realised that I could cope with it which was good, but it then didn’t achieve anything, so I needed to interact with some people to see how they responded to me as a non-passing person with a voice that confirmed my sex even if my face hadn’t already given me away. I found that I could pass this test too. Even if it was obvious that the people I spoke to (shops and coffee shop staff) saw me as a man or cross dresser or whatever, I was okay. But then I felt that these interactions didn’t count because they were strangers so why would I care what they thought anyway.  That’s why I next needed to try being Nicola with a friend, to see whether I could handle it with someone I knew and whose opinion...

It was exciting to be out but lots of feelings, good and bad For one thing, I felt bad about lying to my wife about where I was, and for even doing it which is a sort of betrayal (even though it’s not) I did feel good about how I looked though. Admittedly due to padding very tight shapewear, a slinky dress and a wig and makeup (ie almost entirely fake!) but I felt actually sexy, long legs and curves and all. London is very different to where I live. It’s so anonymous that nobody gives anyone a second glance. I went through Paddington station, travelled on the underground, walked down a packed Oxford Street and was invisible. Or “passing as female” maybe. London is so diverse anyway that men in femme clothing or heels or anything really is just about normal. The door staff at the women-only bar were happy to admit me, one of them called me “sweetie”. So I guess femme enough Then it got less fulfilling. For one thing, it was very quiet in there; a bar / club with only four people in is n...

Although it was good to have been able to go out and be fully visible as Nicola, it didn’t really achieve anything.  I’m not sure what I expected to achieve to be honest, but whatever it was, it didn’t.  Maybe I was hoping to be able to make a connection with someone, ideally another trans woman and to hear about her experience of transition, but there was no trans woman there. Alternatively, speaking with a cis woman about her experiences and learning from her about how I can better present as female. Unfortunately, being too shy to speak to anyone, this didn’t happen. Not just shyness though, I also felt unworthy to speak to anyone as “not a real woman”, why would anyone want to talk to a “man”, presumably having gone to a women-only bar to avoid just that.  What would I have done if a lesbian had shown any interest anyway? I don’t have any desire to cheat on my wife so I’m not up for anything. Even if I were, it isn’t as though I could, because underneath all the sh...