16th July - thoughts are all over the place

This could be a bit of a ramble so apologies in advance for that. 

I have not posted for a few weeks. I suppose I didn’t have much to say. Which is not to say that there hasn’t been a lot going on in my head, just nothing in the real world. That’s the story of my life!

Is that what my life is? Is Nicola just a dream that can never exist in the real world?

I’m trapped by conflicting wants. I want to keep my life and career as it is and not lose anything but feel no fulfilment in being a man. I want to be able to be the person I feel I really am and be a woman, but the consequences of that scare me. If it were possible to secretly transition and have a female body whilst trying to pass as male in my life, that feels like it would be easier than trying to pass as female during transition with a still mostly male body. Not that secretly transitioning would get me where I wanted to be either because I don’t want to be a man at all. 

Maybe it is that I’m scared of all the anti-trans stuff that I read. I feel like if I could get the surgery before socially transitioning then there is no reason anyone could object to me because the “male threat” had already been cut off as it were. 

Not that this is an option anyway, no provider does it that way around. 

I think my problem is a fear of the transition journey. I know that I would press the magic gender swap button without hesitation but that is an artificial choice because it offers a shortcut to the end result and skips all the difficulties of getting there. It is the real world difficulties of going from known-as-male, to man-trying-to-present-female through quite-femme-still-physically-male that are terrifying. The early stages of being obviously just a man in a dress is inviting ridicule and discrimination but is not as frightening as the next stage when I may have got comfortable with that and feminised enough to need to avoid male spaces but to be a target of hate and denied access to female spaces. That feels like the stage I’m most fearful of when I will be between two worlds and not safe in either. Even though I doubt I would ever pass as female, at least post-surgery I could feel justified in my right to claim to be female and use their spaces. Whilst I still have mae parts, I can understand why some people would object to me even though I know I am not posing any kind of threat. I suppose this is why I wish I could get rid of it first. 

I am just rambling and trying to figure out my fears and wants I suppose. 

In the real world there is little that I can do. 

I have started wearing women’s underwear at weekends   Putting it on it does just feel right and who I am but I do hate the bulge which is just so wrong. I also am wearing one of my crop tops for sleeping at weekends, which again just feels so right and part of who I am. There isn’t really any point to either of these things but they do feel right and give me some small connection to my dreams even if just for a short time. 

I have asked my friend that knows about me and lives nearby whether I can visit her as Nicola and she is happy to do that, so we just need to find a time that works in a couple of weeks. That feels like a momentous step because although I have been out in public dressed female, that has been in front of strangers only. This would be my first time with someone that knows me and who already knew me as a man. I am worried that I will feel ridiculous or like putting on a performance or act and will realise that the whole idea has just been a stupid fantasy that I have allowed to get out of hand. I suppose there is only one way to find out.