Skip to main content

22nd May - feeling a bit scared now I think about it

Having decided (and written about yesterday) that I need another trial run going in public en femme, I am now feeling a bit daunted by the idea.  

It will be only my fourth time out dressed, so it is still a new experience really, but I have at least previously proven that I can do it.  

I don't know why I still feel so fearful though.  When I did it before, it was fine.  A few people stared, but that was as bad as it got.  No big deal.  

There is also the comfort that it is as difficult as it will ever be, because I am male under the clothes, and definitely do not pass.  If (when?) I am going to be living this full time, I will have started to feminise, even a little bit, so it will be slightly less difficult.  And it will get easier with every day that passes, as I gain more and more femininity.  So what I do this week will be the most difficult, my future will be better and less hard. 

Maybe thinking of this week as "the hardest it can be" is not helping me to feel less fearful about it!  

I have been trying to motivate myself by browsing clothes online to pre-select what I might try on.  And I have chosen to go in my pencil skirt, with tights and a white top.  The top is a bit casual and the skirt is a bit smart, so they don't really go, but that then makes sense of shopping for a smarter top or blouse to go with the skirt.  By giving myself an objective, I can focus on that and it takes away some of the fear of the unknown.  

There is nothing wrong with what I am planning to do.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  I am just a customer browsing and making a purchase.  That is not wrong and no one has any right to object or challenge me on that.  Buying a male shirt to go with my trousers or buying a blouse to go with my skirt are no different, not wrong and cause no issue to any other person.  Why does it feel like I am doing wrong and am afraid to be found out and be judged?  

    

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5 May 25 - living a lie

I’m wearing a soft crop top and Brazilian knickers under my male clothes today and it’s the first time   I’ve done so since my wife found out about my underwear.   I did wear some knickers last weekend for a day, which was nice but this is the first time I have had the crop top too.  Considering that I was wearing the underwear full time and the crop tops every weekday evening and all weekends for the previous month, this has been a big gap.  I have really been craving the feeling of a bra or crop top. That stretchy tightness of the band around my chest and the straps over my shoulders. It is such a relief to have one on now.  Because I’m a bit scared about getting caught out again I have only worn the soft crop top as that is least visible under my clothes. The more structured crop top has bra straps which are a bit more noticeable so although I really want to wear that, it felt a bit too risky.  This is so rubbish that I have to hide who I really am ...
Post a Comment
Read more

23 Sep 24 - great podcast: Straight Wife Trans Life

I’ve been listening in the car to a podcast called Straight Wife Trans Life. My friend Dee (another closeted married trans woman) recommended.  The podcast is presented by the wife of a trans woman who came out to her after they had been married for thirteen years, she having previously had no idea that her husband was trans.  Series 1 tells the story of their first year from disclosure on New Year’s Eve through coming out to family, friends, their kid, and beginning transition.   Liese (the presenter) is really honest. She was not ok with the news and admits she reacted badly. Eventually she decided that they would stay together as married friends, but she is very clear that she is straight and isn’t going to change for her spouse. She uses the term spouse, as she doesn’t accept that she has a wife, and in referring to their marriage, she talks of her husband, as that was what she had at the time.  She is upset when her spouse claims to have always been a woman, bec...
3 comments
Read more

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more