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22nd May - feeling a bit scared now I think about it

Having decided (and written about yesterday) that I need another trial run going in public en femme, I am now feeling a bit daunted by the idea.  

It will be only my fourth time out dressed, so it is still a new experience really, but I have at least previously proven that I can do it.  

I don't know why I still feel so fearful though.  When I did it before, it was fine.  A few people stared, but that was as bad as it got.  No big deal.  

There is also the comfort that it is as difficult as it will ever be, because I am male under the clothes, and definitely do not pass.  If (when?) I am going to be living this full time, I will have started to feminise, even a little bit, so it will be slightly less difficult.  And it will get easier with every day that passes, as I gain more and more femininity.  So what I do this week will be the most difficult, my future will be better and less hard. 

Maybe thinking of this week as "the hardest it can be" is not helping me to feel less fearful about it!  

I have been trying to motivate myself by browsing clothes online to pre-select what I might try on.  And I have chosen to go in my pencil skirt, with tights and a white top.  The top is a bit casual and the skirt is a bit smart, so they don't really go, but that then makes sense of shopping for a smarter top or blouse to go with the skirt.  By giving myself an objective, I can focus on that and it takes away some of the fear of the unknown.  

There is nothing wrong with what I am planning to do.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  I am just a customer browsing and making a purchase.  That is not wrong and no one has any right to object or challenge me on that.  Buying a male shirt to go with my trousers or buying a blouse to go with my skirt are no different, not wrong and cause no issue to any other person.  Why does it feel like I am doing wrong and am afraid to be found out and be judged?  

    

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