Skip to main content

22nd April - making decisions

I have been away from here for about a month and trying not to think about anything gender related, just get on with the day to day. 

Two things happened this week where decisions were required. Firstly, I had a hair appointment. My hair was getting longer and there was scope to go for a feminine style again. But I have all but given up hope, so went instead for a short male style. I no longer have hair that I can attempt to make look feminine. On the plus side, it’s a lot less hassle to wash and dry. Of course I regretted cutting it immediately.

The second decision was regarding an opportunity to have some time out in public en femme as I was going to be passing the out of town mall where I have done so a couple of times previously. I chose not to  in fact, I didn’t even pack any clothes to even have the choice.  I have given up so why bother with the stress?

So two decisions and in both, I decisively rejected the trans option and committed to giving up and accepting that I cannot have any kind of transition. 

Decisive.

And ever since, I’ve regretted both and thought about nothing else but wanting to transition.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5 May 25 - living a lie

I’m wearing a soft crop top and Brazilian knickers under my male clothes today and it’s the first time   I’ve done so since my wife found out about my underwear.   I did wear some knickers last weekend for a day, which was nice but this is the first time I have had the crop top too.  Considering that I was wearing the underwear full time and the crop tops every weekday evening and all weekends for the previous month, this has been a big gap.  I have really been craving the feeling of a bra or crop top. That stretchy tightness of the band around my chest and the straps over my shoulders. It is such a relief to have one on now.  Because I’m a bit scared about getting caught out again I have only worn the soft crop top as that is least visible under my clothes. The more structured crop top has bra straps which are a bit more noticeable so although I really want to wear that, it felt a bit too risky.  This is so rubbish that I have to hide who I really am ...
Post a Comment
Read more

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more

9 Feb 2025 - another week of ups and downs

Another week of ups and downs.  I did go out in a skirt, which was nice but just going around shops dressed female is something I have done quite a few times now and I don’t think I gain much from it in terms of real life experience.  Nothing new anyway.  Since I got the new first crop tops on Wednesday I have been wearing them at home every evening when I change after work and all weekend. Maybe the size 12 is a little tight and I should have got the 14, but it stays where it should and doesn’t ride up like my other less structured crop tops when I raise my arms or do something active.  Yesterday I had enough time to do a quick white wash of a couple of tops, a vest, the short nightdress and a few pairs of knickers. I even managed to iron the top and nightdress today, before my wife got up.  Having dinner last night, I was a bit hot, it being a curry, so I took my jumper off. I’m a bit nervous wearing just one layer over the crop top as you can see the outline ...
Post a Comment
Read more