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22nd April - making decisions

I have been away from here for about a month and trying not to think about anything gender related, just get on with the day to day. 

Two things happened this week where decisions were required. Firstly, I had a hair appointment. My hair was getting longer and there was scope to go for a feminine style again. But I have all but given up hope, so went instead for a short male style. I no longer have hair that I can attempt to make look feminine. On the plus side, it’s a lot less hassle to wash and dry. Of course I regretted cutting it immediately.

The second decision was regarding an opportunity to have some time out in public en femme as I was going to be passing the out of town mall where I have done so a couple of times previously. I chose not to  in fact, I didn’t even pack any clothes to even have the choice.  I have given up so why bother with the stress?

So two decisions and in both, I decisively rejected the trans option and committed to giving up and accepting that I cannot have any kind of transition. 

Decisive.

And ever since, I’ve regretted both and thought about nothing else but wanting to transition.


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