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7th March - I have given up

I have been really struggling for the past few days, and maybe a bit longer than that I guess, to see a way forward. 

The weekend brought into sharp focus that the dream that I have held on to all this time is completely unattainable. The dream I have, and Nicola in my head, is a pretty young woman that the reality of my body and actual age precludes. My misgivings about how I carry on with my career and life as Nicola are also barriers (whether real or perceived, they’re still barriers). 

Now this doesn’t mean I am not trans. I totally am. And I 100% wish it were possible for me to live as a woman. I am trans and I am valid. I suppose at least I am not going around the “am I really trans” loop! 

But I have given up on the idea of transitioning. At least for the moment. Because I just cannot envisage how the probable outcome would be worth the personal cost to get there when it is so far away from the dream. 

This morning I put male underwear back on, have been standing at the toilet and stopped shaving my legs and body hair. 

That’s me giving up on my dreams. 

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