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5th March - feeling really down

After feeling a bit downhearted yesterday, today has been worse and I can feel the weight of negativity bearing down on me.  Hard to describe, but it feels like a tangible presence waiting to crush me that I am pushing back against.  

Maybe I'm just tired from a long day of traveling yesterday, but it does feel like more than that. 

It is partly gender-related, from being confronted with the reality that the vision of the girl in my head is impossible.  It is fairly unlikely that I would transform into a pretty woman even in the best case scenario, but there is obviously no possibility of transforming into one thirty years younger.  My dream is in every respect impossible to actually exist.  

There are other things at play though, it isn't just gender and whether I'd be pretty enough or not.  Being around young people who are at the beginning of everything with all possibilities still before them forces me to confront my reality, which is middle aged and all possibilities now behind me.  

Hopefully this fog will lift after a few days, but right now I am feeling crushed (and I know that is mixing metaphors, but I can't even be bothered to find a consistent alternative right now).  

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