Skip to main content

28th February - two months since I started

Here I am at the end of the second month of...what exactly? 

Can I say it's the second month of my transition?  Does it count if noone else knows and everything that I have done has been done in secret?  What is it the second month of, if not transition?  My second month of experimenting with femininity?  Dabbling in womanhood?  Is it anything at all, or just some notion in my head that has no reality in the world?

Well whatever it is, I've been doing it for two months now and some of it has been successful, in small ways. 

I have completely switched to female underwear and worn this exclusively every day of this year.  This is now my normal and I wouldn't even think of putting on male equivalents any more.  It is so normal for me that I am no longer even aware of it feeling any different, although I do have a range of styles and it has to be said that some shapes are definitely more comfortable than others.  When I am aware of them, or think about it, then I do find it affirming.  

I have also normalised sitting to use the toilet, again to the point that I do so without thinking now, it is an embedded habit and my norm now.  It hasn't quite been possible to keep this up exclusively, but across two months, it has been fewer than ten times that I have had to stand and go like a man, so I can live with that and since that is what now feels unusual to me, I count this as a win.   

Another good step has been removing my body hair and shaving my legs.  This makes such a difference to being able to perceive myself as feminine.  It is an ongoing battle though, because it does persist in growing back far more quickly than I would like.  

I'm still no further forward with any kind of medical treatment, which is a disappointment as I had originally hoped that I might be getting my first hormone prescription in March, but maybe that was always unrealistic.  

And the big one, I still haven't talked to my wife, which was a 1st of January goal still unmet.  I can't really make any more progress without doing that.  

So to a large extent, my end of month two update is pretty much the same as the end of month one.  Little secret things are going well, but getting me nowhere.  Big important things that are scary, are not done and that is preventing any other progress.  I really don't want to write the same update at the end of March, and I don't think I will, as I feel more and more ready to make the leap.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

27 May 26 - does my brain actually have a “girl mode”?

As I keep reflecting on my night out as Nicola last week there are a lot of questions and ideas that are swirling around in my head.  One is, whether my brain has a “girl mode”, because I felt so different and behaved in ways that were unfamiliar to me.  The really distinct difference in how I felt this time was that I didn’t feel like I was a man in a dress at all, I just felt like me. I remember thinking that this is what it is like to be “inhabiting womanhood”. Evidently I have ridiculously pretentious notions after a few drinks, but it was what I was feeling. This is what it is like to actually be a woman. Less pretentious.  An odd thing, but one which does make me wonder if my brain has some kind of “switch”, is that I looked at women differently. I am exclusively attracted to women and I am attracted to boobs and bums as much as the next man (cringe at associating with being a man). I know it is impolite to stare at a woman’s chest, and I make a conscious effort no...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 May 2026 - a night out

Having a night on my own in London, I wanted to go out presenting female and get some more “real life experience”.  I had drinks and dinner with some colleagues early evening and to be honest had already had too much wine before I went out later by myself. This probably helped my confidence, although not my coordination with nail polish and mascara, which were a bit slapdash to say the least.  I remember last year getting in a lift in the hotel in a dress ready to go out, and being self conscious of people staring at me. This time, didn’t give it a thought. Likewise going into the underground and being on the train with other people. I didn’t notice if anyone looked at me and nor did I care. I was just me being me and wearing a skirt didn’t feel like a Thing, I wasn’t conscious of my clothes at all.  Similarly walking through a busy Soho to the bar, I just felt like I normally do walking around town.  Got to She Soho. Amazingly the bouncer asked me for ID. I’m 51...
Post a Comment
Read more

31 Dec 25 - reflecting on the past year

I could see 2025 as a failure.  After all, I started the year with the intention to begin my transition. I still haven’t started.  I made initial contact with the endocrinologist clinic about feminising hormone therapy, but then didn’t progress that at all as soon as I encountered the blood test hurdle.  Here at the beginning of 2026, I am no closer to living as a woman than I was at the beginning of 2025. I have not come out to anyone, I don’t have a hormone prescription, my body is still male, my presentation is still full time male, everyone still knows me only as my male name.  Has the longing to be a woman gone away because I haven’t done anything about it? No. Obviously.  Although I have not begun transitioning, I have achieved a couple of things this year.  One is that I survived my wife catching me out and finding a pair of knickers that I had forgotten to hide. It was awful, and she was terribly upset, but I got through it and that is somethi...
Post a Comment
Read more