Skip to main content

14th March - I think I'm pretty much done

Not sure why, but I chose some female underwear today, having reverted to male for the past week.  

Maybe I thought it might re-ignite my trans feelings or desire to do something. 

Short answer: no.

I just didn't really feel anything.  Well, less comfortable, but that's not a positive.  

Whatever it was that I was feeling and which was driving me on to want to take steps and radically change my life has somehow gone.

I tried putting on a bra too and that didn't feel affirming either.  

What has happened to me?  

This is an interesting thing to ponder.  

Does it mean that I was never really trans at all, and having had a revelation that it is unlikely to make me happy (likely the contrary) has broken the spell?  Was I jut kidding myself all along?  Lying to myself?  Being selective with what I choose to believe (and write about) to fit a narrative?

I don't know.  Perhaps?

Not consciously of course, I haven't decided that I wanted to be trans and knowingly tried to construct the fiction.  

Although that doesn't mean that I haven't done that on some level.  

There must be some element of genuine transness though.  I first started wearing my mother's underwear and clothes when I was about 11, long before I even knew that there was such a thing as being trans.  

It isn't all a fiction then.  And certainly not a recent one, as it has been part of my life for over three decades.  But with it now feeling like I have got it all wrong, is that what it is?

Or maybe these are the wrong questions.  It doesn't matter where it came from, what it is (was) or where it has gone.  

What do I do now?  

If not this, then what?      

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more

27 May 26 - does my brain actually have a “girl mode”?

As I keep reflecting on my night out as Nicola last week there are a lot of questions and ideas that are swirling around in my head.  One is, whether my brain has a “girl mode”, because I felt so different and behaved in ways that were unfamiliar to me.  The really distinct difference in how I felt this time was that I didn’t feel like I was a man in a dress at all, I just felt like me. I remember thinking that this is what it is like to be “inhabiting womanhood”. Evidently I have ridiculously pretentious notions after a few drinks, but it was what I was feeling. This is what it is like to actually be a woman. Less pretentious.  An odd thing, but one which does make me wonder if my brain has some kind of “switch”, is that I looked at women differently. I am exclusively attracted to women and I am attracted to boobs and bums as much as the next man (cringe at associating with being a man). I know it is impolite to stare at a woman’s chest, and I make a conscious effort no...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 May 2026 - a night out

Having a night on my own in London, I wanted to go out presenting female and get some more “real life experience”.  I had drinks and dinner with some colleagues early evening and to be honest had already had too much wine before I went out later by myself. This probably helped my confidence, although not my coordination with nail polish and mascara, which were a bit slapdash to say the least.  I remember last year getting in a lift in the hotel in a dress ready to go out, and being self conscious of people staring at me. This time, didn’t give it a thought. Likewise going into the underground and being on the train with other people. I didn’t notice if anyone looked at me and nor did I care. I was just me being me and wearing a skirt didn’t feel like a Thing, I wasn’t conscious of my clothes at all.  Similarly walking through a busy Soho to the bar, I just felt like I normally do walking around town.  Got to She Soho. Amazingly the bouncer asked me for ID. I’m 51...
Post a Comment
Read more