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14th March - I think I'm pretty much done

Not sure why, but I chose some female underwear today, having reverted to male for the past week.  

Maybe I thought it might re-ignite my trans feelings or desire to do something. 

Short answer: no.

I just didn't really feel anything.  Well, less comfortable, but that's not a positive.  

Whatever it was that I was feeling and which was driving me on to want to take steps and radically change my life has somehow gone.

I tried putting on a bra too and that didn't feel affirming either.  

What has happened to me?  

This is an interesting thing to ponder.  

Does it mean that I was never really trans at all, and having had a revelation that it is unlikely to make me happy (likely the contrary) has broken the spell?  Was I jut kidding myself all along?  Lying to myself?  Being selective with what I choose to believe (and write about) to fit a narrative?

I don't know.  Perhaps?

Not consciously of course, I haven't decided that I wanted to be trans and knowingly tried to construct the fiction.  

Although that doesn't mean that I haven't done that on some level.  

There must be some element of genuine transness though.  I first started wearing my mother's underwear and clothes when I was about 11, long before I even knew that there was such a thing as being trans.  

It isn't all a fiction then.  And certainly not a recent one, as it has been part of my life for over three decades.  But with it now feeling like I have got it all wrong, is that what it is?

Or maybe these are the wrong questions.  It doesn't matter where it came from, what it is (was) or where it has gone.  

What do I do now?  

If not this, then what?      

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