Skip to main content

5th February - how to explain myself?

I still don't think any of what I said yesterday properly articulates what gender means to me.  Problem is that I am not sure how I can explain it, which matters because that is the very thing that I need to do.  I can't just say "I feel like I'm a woman" and expect my wife, or anyone else for that matter, to just understand and accept that statement.  

I've tried to cover the social aspects, of fitting in with women and not men, and not wanting to behave in line with a typically masculine expectation.  These things probably can make sense to others, but they are just being a non-confirming man, why do they make me a woman?  Why would I need to transition to be able to do them, given that I am saying that this is already how I feel?

That is a good question, and one I have been over myself during my many many cycles of doubting whether I can really be trans.  

The simple explanation is just that I always wished I was a girl.  Not for any rational reason that I can explain, I just do.  It's partly the social and friendship aspect.  Partly clothes and hair and wanting to feel pretty, the appeal of femininity.  And in some sense that is hard to explain, a feeling that a female body is more me than what I have.  

That final thing is the key point, but it the hardest to explain.  I can manage some of the social aspects as I am, and if I need to feel pretty, I could just cross-dress in private.  None of that needs transition.  Except the wish to have a female body.  Which is the bit that I can't really explain. 

I can sort of put it in terms of wanting to align everything and not to feel fake because my body doesn't match my presentation, but that doesn't fully cover it.  And I worry that trying to explain it in any terms involving breasts and vagina, that opens up the response of "it's just a sex thing" and condemnation follows.  Because it definitely isn't that, it's something else, but I just don't know how to explain it. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

23 Sep 2025 - a handbag?

I have not been out presenting female in public for about six months which is a long time.   The last time was my trip to London when I went out to the bar and dinner, which felt great, and to breakfast in the hotel which was less successful. At that time, I felt confident and like I could do this.   Following my wife catching me out with some of my underwear, I cut my hair, put away my clothes and didn’t do anything for a while. It seems my confidence got lost in that too, because when I started thinking about going out dressed again, I felt really nervous about it.  Probably doesn’t help that the anti-trans lobby had successes during this time and it feels a less safe thing to be doing now than it did six months ago.  Whatever the reason, I was pretty scared this time.  The biggest mental hurdle is around changing from male to female clothing, as I have to leave the office and arrive at the mall in male clothing, then be back in male clothing to go home so...
Post a Comment
Read more

27 May 26 - does my brain actually have a “girl mode”?

As I keep reflecting on my night out as Nicola last week there are a lot of questions and ideas that are swirling around in my head.  One is, whether my brain has a “girl mode”, because I felt so different and behaved in ways that were unfamiliar to me.  The really distinct difference in how I felt this time was that I didn’t feel like I was a man in a dress at all, I just felt like me. I remember thinking that this is what it is like to be “inhabiting womanhood”. Evidently I have ridiculously pretentious notions after a few drinks, but it was what I was feeling. This is what it is like to actually be a woman. Less pretentious.  An odd thing, but one which does make me wonder if my brain has some kind of “switch”, is that I looked at women differently. I am exclusively attracted to women and I am attracted to boobs and bums as much as the next man (cringe at associating with being a man). I know it is impolite to stare at a woman’s chest, and I make a conscious effort no...
Post a Comment
Read more

21 May 2026 - a night out

Having a night on my own in London, I wanted to go out presenting female and get some more “real life experience”.  I had drinks and dinner with some colleagues early evening and to be honest had already had too much wine before I went out later by myself. This probably helped my confidence, although not my coordination with nail polish and mascara, which were a bit slapdash to say the least.  I remember last year getting in a lift in the hotel in a dress ready to go out, and being self conscious of people staring at me. This time, didn’t give it a thought. Likewise going into the underground and being on the train with other people. I didn’t notice if anyone looked at me and nor did I care. I was just me being me and wearing a skirt didn’t feel like a Thing, I wasn’t conscious of my clothes at all.  Similarly walking through a busy Soho to the bar, I just felt like I normally do walking around town.  Got to She Soho. Amazingly the bouncer asked me for ID. I’m 51...
Post a Comment
Read more