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31 January - one month gone, many disappointments and failures

Here I am at the end of the first month of my monumental year of starting transition.  Well, that was the plan anyway.  I feel it is more a month of things that didn't happen, rather than those that did.  

The first, and biggest failure, was not talking to my wife at the outset.  Or any of the other opportunities that have arisen during the month.  That has really held back everything else.  

The second big fail is not having engaged with the gender clinic, which stems from the local doctor refusing to participate in my treatment. At least I contacted them, that is something, even if their refusal became failure number three.  

In my original plan, by now I should be out to wife and teenager, dressing female around the house at weekends, and approved to start hormones.  None of those have been achieved or are even near.  

I don't want to only focus on the negatives and things not done though as there have been a few little achievements.  

I have only worn female underwear for the whole month.  I even managed to do some laundry yesterday as my wife went out for a meeting for a couple of hours so quick wash and tumble dry, and eighteen (!) clean pairs of knickers ready to go for February.  

I have also completely habitualised sitting to use the loo, it is now my norm.  When out, I have had to stand because of the facilities available, but only four times this year, and I did know that it would occasionally be necessary, so I'll count this as a win.

My toenails are a nice glossy pink, my legs are smooth and my body hair is shaven.  My finger nails have grown and I am beginning to shape them.  

My hair has grown fairly long and covers my ears now.  I was actually due to go to the salon today but the stylist was ill, so that has been rearranged.  It was due to be another step on my journey, and I was going to tell her what I am doing and properly feminise my style into a 'bob'.  That was going to be difficult due to the other things I haven't done, but pushing it back has avoided that.  And, by deferring for three weeks, my hair will be longer by then, so more scope to do something with it.  

So, one month in, no real progress and a lot to be disappointed by.  But also, a few things done and what I have done, I like.  And although I have been around the 'I can't really be trans, this is ridiculous, give up' cycle a few times, I haven't actually given up.  At no point have I wanted to go back to boxers and be like a man again.  Not once.  

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