Unsure what to feel

I haven’t written for a while as I have been a bit uncertain about where I am, what I really want and whether I’m willing to do what it would take to have that anyway. 

This week though, I was traveling for work and would be passing a large shopping mall where I first ever stepped out into the world dressed female to see how it felt. That was two years ago, in 2020 and at the time it was terrifying and exciting in equal measure. I walked around visible in a dress in public and the world didn’t end, nothing bad happened, it was fine. 

Since then, opportunities have been few but I had been out one other time a couple of months ago to test myself by going and interacting with people in a coffee shop and supermarket to see if I could cope with living in the world without passing. That too was scary but actually was fine. It feels like I probably could cope with social transition. 

This week, I wanted to take the opportunity for some more real life experience, although I didn’t have a specific goal in mind. The first time was to try out being visible dressed female. The second was to test myself interacting with people as a non-passing trans woman. Those firsts were done, so this was more just an outing en femme than a test of myself. 

Just going around the shops and being out in public in a dress doesn’t really scare me anymore. I feel self conscious and vulnerable but generally ok with it. The thing that always surprises me is how few people notice that there is a non-passing obvious man in a dress. I was aware that some people did see me, and I got some strange looks from some, and some kindly smiles from a couple of women. I don’t know if that was them being supportive or pitying but I either way, it seemed kind. 

I didn’t find anything that I wanted to buy so I went and got coffee, then changed and went home. 

On the face of it, this was a successful outing. I was visible dressed as a woman and that was good. I interacted with a couple of people and that also was fine. 

There were two problems though with how I felt and this is what is causing me difficulty and why I’m writing now trying to understand it. 

The first is my self image and my reality. Which is really an issue with full length mirrors in clothes shops. When I am dressed female and try to do my makeup and hair and put on (clip on) earrings, I feel feminine and that I am a woman. Actually, I know that I have very long slender legs which look amazing in black tights (pantyhose) and with the aid of a padded bra and some shapewear, I think I look not just female but sexy female. And then I see myself in one of these mirrors and all I can see is a man’s face and the illusion is shattered. I guess that is dysphoria and that hormone transition and longer hair and facial feminisation could eventually help with it, but right here, right now, seeing myself like that is absolutely crushing. 

The second problem is more in my head than my appearance and is confusing me quite a lot. I feel that I didn’t feel enough somehow. Going out as a woman, wearing a dress, it just felt really normal and not a big deal. The first time, I found it exciting but as a result of novelty and mainly fear of not knowing what would happen. Now I’ve done it a couple of times, I don’t feel anything, I’m just being normal me and don’t feel any different. I hear about gender euphoria from getting to present as your true authentic self or whatever, but I don’t feel euphoric. I just feel the same. 

And I don’t know how to try to interpret this?

Part of me is telling me that this is proof that I am not really trans at all since if I was, being seen as my authentic gender would feel special and I would “know” for sure who I am. 

Another part of me is telling me that this is proof that I am totally trans because I’m feeling normal as a woman because that’s who I always have been and that notions like euphoria are not real and just transient feelings from novelty or something else. Because if I felt excited by the clothes, then that might be about the clothes not my gender, or if I felt a thrill from being seen, then that would be different too. 

I honestly don’t know what it means. 

It probably doesn’t mean anything of itself but what I am doing is looking for a “sign” to tell me what to do. Did I expect to go out in a dress, suddenly feel an epiphany that this is what my life should be and rush to the gender clinic to get started on my hormones?  I didn’t expect that, but maybe that is what I sort of hope for, something really clear and unambiguous so I know what I should do, because I find it too hard to make a life changing decision without a sense of certainty that I’m making the right decision, even though I know that certainty is impossible to find.